Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I'm Sorry...

This is to everyone I am failing right now. Most of you don't even realize I'm failing you because you don't realize what I was supposed to be doing,, what I wanted to do, what my type A over committed persona wants to do. That's the problem, most of you think I am doing a great job, but I am failing. I am failing you, myself and my children. Or at least I feel that way. I hate failure (see personality type) I hate not meeting my goals, dreams, desires, but I just can't keep this up anymore. I am living in two worlds and I am not fully engaged or committed to either one, its sucks and it needs to stop...but how?

I guess it could start by my learning how to say no....or how to focus, since starting this I have checked Facebook, e-mail, the news, looked at shoes online, etc.'s like the brain I used to have can't work anymore...Maybe I need more coffee, no probably less.

What I need is to figure out this new life. Not just suburbia, that is figuring itself out, I can get to the store without a map, I am even learning these big curvy streets with multiple names. I mean a mom of school aged kids, a home owner, myself. I need to figure out how to get everything done around the house, meet my volunteer commitments, my commitment to myself as well as entertaining my children. You know find balance.

I think it starts with letting go. I could clean the apartment in 2 hours flat, the house, not so much, and it's not even that big. There is more to do. I go down to change the laundry, see a box that hasn't been unpacked or a something needs to be moved, cleaned up, that leads me to seeing something else, which leads to something else and before I know it 2 hours are gone and all I “finished” is one load of laundry. As a home owner (an old home owner) the to do list is always growing faster than I can keep up with it, I need to accept that and move on.

I also need to get over the guilt of saying no...I can't do it all, even if I wanted to. If I volunteer to help with everything my kids are in instead of just being than I have to neglect the kids to find the time to do one wins, well maybe the organization wins, but I am not indebted to them, no matter how much I think I am. I am indebted to my children so I need to figure out how to make things work best for them, and me, and no one else.

I honestly don't know how you working moms do it. I now know I could never go to work, I am not organized enough. I can't handle all we have to do now and I don't know how I would handle work too. Maybe that's it though, you are as organized as you need to be? I could be more organized and streamlined and get it “all done” but than some of the funner things...Facebook, soaps, tickle parties with my kids would have to disappear.

So I need to lower my expectations and realize no one else knows how much I had planned to do or what I intended to do, so I'm not really failing anyone. I guess I need ti realize that, accept that and stop apologizing.

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