So I know I have had many downer posts lately, I'm sorry, sometimes the lows take over and seem all encompassing and I tend to focus on them more than I should. However one thing I have learned from this great being worldwide web of mommy bloggers is that I am not alone, everyone has days that seem like nothing gets done, or when your uninspired and in a funk and I love reading other peoples struggles (not because I am weird and like to see other people suffer) but because it reminds me that motherhood is hard and while many of us seem to have it together on the outside I am not the only one falling apart on the inside some days.
So this is something I wrote while on vacation and I haven't posted it because I wasn't sure if it was too much of a downer or if people would take it the wrong way. But I figured that part of the reason some of you read my blog is because I am so honest. I am that friend that will tell you "please take off that dress because it makes your hips looks wider than a horses" and after reading Steph being so honest about her lows (and way more elegant in fewer words) and Texan Mama (who actually makes me want to be in Texas and not the Midwest so I could be her BFF she is so my kind of girl) I decided to just go with it!
As a stay at home mom in new suburb...I spend a lot of time alone. Especially because my training runs are averaging around an hour and except for Saturday I have no one to run with me. I mean I wouldn't want to run with me either at the butt crack of dawn when even the sun is draggin' its feet and refusing to come out and coyotes are in the parks and all but I gotta run when I can! Anyways they give me a lot of time to think and fantasize about my perfect life where all the important people in my life are actually part of my daily life and not random e-mails or Facebook updates. My fantasies get so surreal that my best friend is actually running with me on some of them which is ridiculous because anyone that knows her knows that nothing could make her run for fun, not even being chased by a wild animal. She would probably either play a rock or try to talk it down but run, no it would never happen. But your brain does things when your lonely and need to fill the gap. And while on vacation and enjoying the sheer vastness of nature and quiet stillness of being so far from a big city I realize that is mostly what this random feeling of emptiness in my gut is, sheer and total loneliness.
It's not that I am ALONE...but I think I am definitely lonely. I have this amazing husband and he tries so hard but he just cannot fill the gap that is left by not having any close female friends near buy. Not that I would burden him with the thought anyways he would take it personally since he is a big reason why I am not near any of my close female friends. It's just frustrating and hard because we have been here for almost a year and I just don't feel like I have moved beyond acquaintances with many of the women I have meet.
That is not say that they aren't amazing and awesome and I do have thoroughly great times with many of them...I just haven't really clicked..made that bond. You know where you know that even though its midnight you could call them and they would be at your house in 5 minutes? See I have been there, I don't have family near by I have been in the hospital (food poisoning) crying my eyes out because the stupid hospital wants to run more tests because I was "recently" pregnant (my son was turning 1 year in a week....) and my husband is at home surely dying of food poisoning because he can't come to he hospital because who will stay with my less then 1 year old monkey? I knew exactly who I would call and while I had known her for less than a year I knew in an instance she would help, she would not care that I woke her up she would not notice that my house was a cesspool of cat hair and dirty dishes she would be there in a flash and she would take care of Monkey until family could arrive and she wouldn't question it, wouldn't think anything of it and wouldn't curse me under her breathe the whole next day as she went zombie like through her day. If it happened today I have no idea who I would call, I mean I know people and I know people who would do it but it snot the same...I don' have the same confidence that it would be no big deal and we could laugh about it over margaritas years later...
But I guess that is the circumstances of life. It has always been hard for me to make friends with girls, mostly because I don't play the girl game really well. I don't care too much what you think of me and if you don't like me well that's your loss not mine. Many women are put off by that, balls to them. I tend to speak honestly or not at all, another characteristic that puts women off. But once you really get to know me you also know that I will forever defend you and always be there to listen and help (everyone knows I can't say no!). Part of it I am sure is the time and place of where I am right now. I have two kids I am constantly shuttling around between the preschool and the toddler sets and I am the only one going through this emotional crisis of moving to the suburbs and not really understanding all that goes with it.
NPR was doing a story the other morning (I couldn't find it before I posted this, i will keep looking and link to it if I can) on roommates. They mentioned that many colleges are using social networking as a way for people to pick their roommates or meet ahead of time. One psychologist said that it takes away from the growing experience of being matched with someone...that you learn and grow as an individual because of that. Because when people are thrown together in the same emotionally wrenching state (being away from home, the pressures of college, or for example first time motherhood) you bond with people in a different way and with people you normally wouldn't bond with. It's so true, my roommate and I would never have picked each other, ever. We ended up living together for 4 years (although the firs 9mo were hard!) and she is now my best friends and Peanuts godmother.
I guess that's the same for the fiends I miss the most form the city. We were thrown into this thing called motherhood and none of us knew what we were doing and we held on to each other and held each other up until we figured it out. We all came through relatively unscathed and we have connection that won't go away. Starting without that will just take more time and patience. So I will suck it up, hold my chin high and get ready to go back out into the world of mom dating and not try to seem too desperate for a best friend!