To the edge and back

I loved being pregnant. Filled with hope, excitement, ideas! I was going to be the best mom ever. I would look like Heidi Klum, I would bake and craft and keep house like Martha Stewart and I would be the most balanced, fun and organized mom you had ever seen. It was going to be amazing.

What I didn't know was that motherhood rips you open (figuratively and literally), breaks you down, beats you up, pushes you to the brink, dangles you over the edge of darkness, drops you a little lower and than pulls you back with such ferocity and love that you get whiplash.

I had no idea of how dark it would get as that little child cried and cried and cried and nothing you could do would make it stop and when you were about to absolutely lose it that little thing would clutch to you like its life depended on it (because it did) and would just stop, and cuddle in and you would melt. I had no idea there were so many tears or that a toddler wiping those tears and saying “mommy okay?” could snap you out of a dark cloud. I had no ideas that the hands of God of were short, chubby and soft and barely fit around your neck.

Motherhood has changed me in many superficial ways. I goes days without showering, I am a human napkin, I am frumpy, my house is messy, But it has changed me in ways that I could never have imagined.

I had no idea that there were places in my mind so dark and uncontrolled. I had no idea that I was so strong and I had no idea that I could love so much. That I could care so deeply and wholly about another being.

I had hoped motherhood would make me a better person, a more patient, kind and loving person.

I had no idea it would break me into a million pieces and put me back together as a new, different and more completely whole person.

I didn't know I had pieces missing.

I didn't how being totally broken can make you feel whole again.

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