Thursday, October 22, 2009

To the edge and back

I loved being pregnant. Filled with hope, excitement, ideas! I was going to be the best mom ever. I would look like Heidi Klum, I would bake and craft and keep house like Martha Stewart and I would be the most balanced, fun and organized mom you had ever seen. It was going to be amazing.


What I didn't know was that motherhood rips you open (figuratively and literally), breaks you down, beats you up, pushes you to the brink, dangles you over the edge of darkness, drops you a little lower and than pulls you back with such ferocity and love that you get whiplash.


I had no idea of how dark it would get as that little child cried and cried and cried and nothing you could do would make it stop and when you were about to absolutely lose it that little thing would clutch to you like its life depended on it (because it did) and would just stop, and cuddle in and you would melt. I had no idea there were so many tears or that a toddler wiping those tears and saying “mommy okay?” could snap you out of a dark cloud. I had no ideas that the hands of God of were short, chubby and soft and barely fit around your neck.


Motherhood has changed me in many superficial ways. I goes days without showering, I am a human napkin, I am frumpy, my house is messy, But it has changed me in ways that I could never have imagined.


I had no idea that there were places in my mind so dark and uncontrolled. I had no idea that I was so strong and I had no idea that I could love so much. That I could care so deeply and wholly about another being.


I had hoped motherhood would make me a better person, a more patient, kind and loving person.


I had no idea it would break me into a million pieces and put me back together as a new, different and more completely whole person.


I didn't know I had pieces missing.


I didn't how being totally broken can make you feel whole again.





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This post is part of MamaKat's Writers Workshop, you can join in or read other great entries here.

15 comments:

Nori D said...

My thoughts exactly.

Wonderful post!

Nori D said...

Oh, and you have a new follower ;)

Emmy said...

This is beautiful! You are so right, until you are in it you just never know what it will and can do to you.

Mama Kat said...

Wow! I have goosebumps.

Heather of the EO said...

That was a truly amazing post!!! I loved it. Thank you for it.

Mom of Three said...

Mama Kat said you gave her goosebumps so I came to see. What a great post.

Michelle said...

WOW...Kat said this was good. SHe was right!

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

AWE-SOME post

WOW!

Anonymous said...

Perfectly sums it up, should be attached to all new babies as part of the instructions.
@SaraCooper

Amber Page Writes said...

Beautiful. And so true. I may have to bookmark this to read on bad days.

Sera said...

I just saw the link to your post on Mama Kat's Twitter page, and I just want to tell you how much I LOVE this post. It is SO true. There are so many unexpected things that I never imagined about motherhood. This is just awesome - thanks for writing it.

Gina said...

Found you from Mama Kat's tweet. This is absolutely beautiful...and so, so true.

Melissa A. said...

Found you from mama kat's tweet...I loved your post.

Mama B said...

Thanks everyone! Especially MamaKat!Glad you all enjoyed it. I try to be honest about it because the only reason I knew that I needed help and how to get it was from another mother telling her story, and I happened to read it. I haven't looked at my blog all weekend and I just saw all these posts and it totally made my day! Thank you everyone for your kind words, it was just what I needed this morning!

suzannah @ so much shouting/laughter said...

"I had no ideas that the hands of God of were short, chubby and soft and barely fit around your neck." love this! lovely post.

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