Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear Humans,

Dear humans that I let live with me,

We need to talk, and from observing you I see this is the best way. Some things have been changing around here and they have not been pre-approved by me. You do realize that I choose you, I own you and all big decisions should be run by me.

First there was the move, which required me to be shoved into a small plastic box for hours. That was not cool at all. You didn't even respond to my cries and pleas for help. Don't you remember back to when you first brought me home. I can not be contained. I prefer to ride on your lap while your driving. Shouting about how I can't be under those black pedals while you merge onto Lake shore Drive, doesn't mean anything to me.

I guess it wasn't all bad I have way more room to run here and there are all those hot little “feral” as you call them ladies that come visit the windows. I prefer to call them my “ma cheri” and I would appreciate it if you stopped interrupting us. Also do you think we could put a little door on the back porch, one that doesn't require an opposable thumb to work?

Sorry I digress, there are serious issues we need to address.

First: I like consistency. Especially when it comes to food. You seem to understand this in theory as your two little sticky house guests sit down three times a day (sometimes more!) at a predictable schedule. Why can you people not figure this out. I have done everything I can to bring this issue to your attention. I meow in your face. I jump on the dudes back while he makes that brown liquid every morning. I bang on the attic door, the kids door, the mat under my food. Here's a hint, if you feed me (instead of yelling at me or throwing pillow at me) I will go away and sleep for several hours.

Second: I like fresh cold water. That sludge in the nice ceramic bowl is not water. Okay maybe at one point it was but 5 minutes after pouring it it has dust in it (hey don't look at me I'm not the stay at home house wife!) and I don't like it. Putting an ice cube in won't make it better. I like to drink out of a nice cool porcelain bowl, or to be more civilized a cup. If you don't want me to keep tipping the cups over don't use the ones that are to narrow for my head and don't leave only a small amount in the bottom.

Third: The Woman (as the dude refers to her) I have noticed that your lap is getting smaller and you don't let me sit on your belly anymore. This is just a warning, if you think bringing another one of those noisy stinky bundles is going to go over well with me....well you better think again. I don't care if the big one is the only one that plays with me and cuddles me and feeds me treats all the time, oh I guess they're not that bad after all.

Fourth: Please stop screaming at my about the Dude's stupid leather chair. You are the dimwits who put it in front of my favorite window. It's the main drag for all my ma cherie's. I will not stop running and jumping onto the back of it! You don't want it scratched, well these nails don't cut themselves!

Finally, I do not like chocolate. Please stop putting on your ice cream. It ruins the pure vanilla milk flavor that I prefer.

I'm sure that we can come to resolution on these issues. If you need to discuss it more, you can find me asleep on the littlest one's bed. I realize it makes her scream and cry in terror but have you felt that pink blanket? It' so soft and warm, I'm not giving it up.


- Gissy

This post was inspired by Mama Kat's Writers workshop, you can read others and join in here


Kim Lehnhoff said...

This was the best pet letter I've read! I don't think our cat is as educated as yours, though...I won't show it to her, it will give her a complex!

CalgaryDaddy said...

Ha! It looks like my Cat roo! Check out the pic on my blog, lol.


Anonymous said...

LOL That was the best! Love your cat!

Anonymous said...

I had a cat who really loved water with ice cubes in it. The colder the better!

Stopping by from SITS!

Kisha said...

I love it! We need to get your Gissy and my Abby together!!!