Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Nightmare Courtesy of Dad

My husband is a very sarcastic person. It goes well with my snarky and sarcastic attitude and we make each other laugh. Especially because many people do not understand subtle (or overt) sarcasm. Some of those people are toddlers. I am repeatedly reminding him that 2 and 4 is too young to understand his sarcasm. THINK before you speak. Something I am desperately trying to teach my son, and apparently need to work harder on teaching my husband that skill!

For instance he will say things like, get in the car now and get buckled or you will ride in the trunk. Guess what that does? It DOES NOT make my son get in and get buckled. No it makes him want to ride in the trunk! Come on we have a station wagon, of course he wants to ride back
there! We now spend the next 10 minutes with him bouncing around trying to climb into the trunk and me having to calmly explain to him that daddy would be arrested for letting him ride in the trunk. I then slightly consider that possibility....no, with my luck I would be arrested too as a conspirator!

His most recent affliction with foot in mouth has come at bedtime. Now I am well aware of how lucky I am that my husband is home by 4pm most days and can cook (or occasionally help) with dinner. It also means he is home for bath and bedtime. Which is great because after all day with kids I have run out of what patience and calm I had left for wet child wrestling. Besides it's kind of been his "thing" since the Monkey was born. It was his way of giving me a break since his man boobs didn't produce milk. So pretty much bed time is his domain and since I can't carry a tune in a bucket the kids prefer it anyways.

So he comes downstairs where I was watching some seriously intelligent documentary (or if you want the truth ANTM) and he is laughing.

What's so funny? Did something happen at bedtime?

Well I was walking out of the kids room and I wasn't thinking (cue eye roll by me here) and I said night, night, don't let the bed bugs bite!

You said what?

Monkey said no dad...there are no bugs, so I said, yep. Don't let them bite, it hurts!

You did what? Why? WHY would you say that to a 2 year old and 4 year old? Don't you remember Monkey's night terrors that there were bugs in his bead (oh and killer turtles too...that kid has an imagination)

Ho Ho Ho, ha Ha Ha (big belly laughs) I totally forgot about that!

Really, do you EVER think before speaking? Do I need to go up there? Are they now crying in fear of the bed bugs eating them?

Oh no, I think it's better now. I closed the door and Peanut started screaming and crying she was terrified. Insert more laughter, apparently there was a bug above her bed...

A lady bug? She's terrified of lady bugs!**

Oh I know, and now she thinks they are going to bite her (still laughing).

I am trying not to strangle him now and I ask if he fixed it.

Oh yeah, I got rid of the bug and put them to bed. They should be fine now.

Until the next night when dinner started with him telling Peanut he was going to put her in a bubble...which lead to a song and squeals of monkey shouting "put her in a bubble, put her in a bubble" and ended with him reminding them not to let the bed bugs bite, because they hurt!

Sigh, I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

* Image from Wikipedia. Bedbugs are really gross and scary and there are no actual bedbugs biting in this house.

** My husbands insists that I note here that she is not so much terrified of lady bugs as much as she is really upset that they are in her house or on her stuff...outside she loves them. However now that it's fall/winter and they are migrating inside our days our filled with her terrified/upset screams because she wants them moved.


Debbie said...

What funny tales! I have certainly said some things like that and then immediately regretted them!
Dropped by from SITS.

Maggie said...

My goodness! My husband is the exact same way...rough! And thanks for the lovely comment on SP&C...I agree with the Marshall Field's/Macy's situation too!!

CalgaryDaddy said...

Too Funny! That pic is nasty... Thank god! lol.


Anonymous said...

Ha! I can see myself telling the kids about bed bugs. I may tell them that I have them in my bed... Maybe that will keep them out of my bed!