Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Invisible Scar

I bare many scars.

Scars from roller blading, scars from irons, scars from babies, but the deepest scar is the one on my heart the one that no one can see.

I bare a scar from hip to hip. I'm not afraid to show it off, it was my proudest moment. It's the badge I wear as an honor to have become a mother to the most amazingly little boy I know. For a long time it was more of a snear than a smile due to some bad staples (they fell out on day 1). I kind of liked it, sneering in the face of what was considered beauty. I went through a lot to have that little boy. I struggled through labor, I struggled through PPD, but he is here, he is amazing and I am his mother.

My snear became a smile when my little girl was born, my surgeon fixed it so it would be flatter and more even. It was quiet appropriate because she has made us more even, she balanced us. While she pushes all my buttons and for many, many months threw us off balance she completes us and she grounds me.

The scar that hurts the most is new, and it's hidden and if you saw me walking down the street you would never know. I prefer that. If this scar was visible, if it was a large scarlet letter that I wore on my chest, I'm not sure I could bear it. I would probably never leave my house again, well at least not right now. Not because I can't handle it, I am dealing with the pain and I will get better. I can't handle the pity and the sadness that I bring to others. My dear friend said it best, "shit happens and it hurts and you're dealing with it, just treat me normal and move on".

My scar is on my heart, it will forever be on my heart. It will get smaller and it won't be fresh and raw but it will always be there. It will always remind me that my precious baby was born into the hands of God and not into mine. Everyday that passes it will get covered with layers of love from those around me but it will never go away, it will never fade.

The scars that my body bares will fade and change as my body moves on through life. But the scars of my heart will forever be there as reminders of what was lost and what could have been. They will not disappear, and I wouldn't want them too. For whether I want it or not this is who I am now, I am "that mom" the one that everyone will pity and feel for. While it was not a scar I was prepared for or one I want to show, it is the one that will forever be with me, just under the surface. The one that is only mine and not for the world to see unless I open my heart and show them.

This is part of Mama Kat's Writers Workshop, you can join in here.


For those of you that have sent e-mails, tweets, notes, dinners, flowers, whatever: Please know that they mean so much and are our hearts our full because we know we are loved and watched over. I may not have responded, but I thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart. Believe it or not many times throughout this words have escaped me and I cannot fully or accurately express my love and gratitude to you all.


WeaselMomma said...

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I'm sorry that there is nothing anyone can do to alleviate that pain. There is no comfort to be found right now, but know that your pain is born of love.

Ann Imig said...

You've written your heart, and I hope it finds comfort here in your comments.

Grief is so tricky. When everyone knows it feels invasive, and when noone knows it is so very lonely. You just have to keep trudging through that impossible terrain, and count on those trusted few to hold you up or lay down with you when you must.

Thinking of you.

Suzy said...

So sorry for your loss. Truly.

Claire said...

Wow, that is so beautifully written. Beautiful and heart-wrenching.

Thinking of you and your family.

Unknown said...

This is beautiful. My heart hurts for you, and I hope you can find some peace amidst everything. If you need an ear, want to talk about the weather, whatever, I'm always a tweet away (probably more than I should be ;))

Becky said...

I have been thinking about you since your tweet at the doctor appointment... not in pity but in sadness for you and your family. You are strong, a great mother, a wonderful writer and so very brave.

Thinking of you still...

Unknown said...

beautiful. sad, but beautiful. as i'm sure you're discovering every day, we're here for you. to laugh, cry, hug, talk, and even be silent together.

the pain won't go away, but together we can handle it and continue.

much love,

Patois42 said...

This is so very beautiful. I love that you feel the love of all those around you (IRL and virtually).

Unknown said...

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for the struggle you are having. You wrote about your pain so perfectly. I hope it will fade with time just like the physical wounds have. God bless.

bernthis said...

We r all here for you. So many have been where u are in one form or another. You just have to feel your feelings and right now do what is right for you.

Brittany said...

Beautiful. You are right, the scars will get better in time.. They were never meant to go away entirely. Things happen and they sculpt you into the person you were meant to become. I hope for happiness and peace for you and your family.

Shell said...

What a soul-bearing post. I don't know what else to say, other than that I am sorry for your loss.

Maggie, dammit said...

I am so, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are going through. Been there. It gets better. All my love.

nuckingfutsmama said...

What a heartfelt post -- I am so so sorry that you've been dealing with this pain. I'm also sorry that I didn't realize it. I suffered through two of these losses myself on my long long road to becoming a mommy. While there are no magic words that will take away that pain, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that there are many people who care about you. Time does really help with the healing process, so hold onto that. Again, I am truly sorry.