I bare many scars.
Scars from roller blading, scars from irons, scars from babies, but the deepest scar is the one on my heart the one that no one can see.
I bare a scar from hip to hip. I'm not afraid to show it off, it was my proudest moment. It's the badge I wear as an honor to have become a mother to the most amazingly little boy I know. For a long time it was more of a snear than a smile due to some bad staples (they fell out on day 1). I kind of liked it, sneering in the face of what was considered beauty. I went through a lot to have that little boy. I struggled through labor, I struggled through PPD, but he is here, he is amazing and I am his mother.
My snear became a smile when my little girl was born, my surgeon fixed it so it would be flatter and more even. It was quiet appropriate because she has made us more even, she balanced us. While she pushes all my buttons and for many, many months threw us off balance she completes us and she grounds me.
The scar that hurts the most is new, and it's hidden and if you saw me walking down the street you would never know. I prefer that. If this scar was visible, if it was a large scarlet letter that I wore on my chest, I'm not sure I could bear it. I would probably never leave my house again, well at least not right now. Not because I can't handle it, I am dealing with the pain and I will get better. I can't handle the pity and the sadness that I bring to others. My dear friend said it best, "shit happens and it hurts and you're dealing with it, just treat me normal and move on".
My scar is on my heart, it will forever be on my heart. It will get smaller and it won't be fresh and raw but it will always be there. It will always remind me that my precious baby was born into the hands of God and not into mine. Everyday that passes it will get covered with layers of love from those around me but it will never go away, it will never fade.
The scars that my body bares will fade and change as my body moves on through life. But the scars of my heart will forever be there as reminders of what was lost and what could have been. They will not disappear, and I wouldn't want them too. For whether I want it or not this is who I am now, I am "that mom" the one that everyone will pity and feel for. While it was not a scar I was prepared for or one I want to show, it is the one that will forever be with me, just under the surface. The one that is only mine and not for the world to see unless I open my heart and show them.
This is part of Mama Kat's Writers Workshop, you can join in here.
For those of you that have sent e-mails, tweets, notes, dinners, flowers, whatever: Please know that they mean so much and are our hearts our full because we know we are loved and watched over. I may not have responded, but I thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart. Believe it or not many times throughout this words have escaped me and I cannot fully or accurately express my love and gratitude to you all.