Monday, February 22, 2010


{photo credt doortoriver via Flickr}

Since my loss I have gone through a lot of emotions, sometimes many times a day. This is normal they say. I will be emotional and hormonal, so it's all to be expected. The current emotion that is hanging over me like a gray and stormy cloud is fear.

I have a lot of fear. Being scared of so many things is a new to me, I used to be fearless. Now I feel fragile and broken. My husband said it because "you used to think you were in charge and in control, and now you know your not. It's in His hands, not yours"

Things that are currently scaring me:

Monday Afternoon.

Monday Afternoon I go back to my doctor for the first time. Back to the office where my life changed. I'm scared to go in, to be overcome with emotion. I'm scared to see all those round pregnant belly's. I'm scared to be placed in the same exam room where I lost so much.

I'm mostly scared of what she will tell me. The rational side of my brain knows she won't tell me much. They shouldn't have any of the genetics back yet, so we will still have no answers to WHY? This is an appointment to check on me mentally and physically, to make sure I am healing from the procedure. I am scared that there is something wrong and I'm not. I have no reason to be. But i had no reason to be scared to go to her office on February 4th either and I was and it turned out to be a nightmare. I am terrified that she will tell me it's all over, you are done at 2. The large family you wanted will not be birthed form you, find another way. Again I have no rational reason to believe this, it's just what's in my head.

My Left Breast

The lump in that breast is what prompted the pregnancy test, that lets us know we were pregnant when we shouldn't have been. That started this whole emotional journey of up and down, pregnant not pregnant. They couldn't do all the testing because I was pregnant. the doctor didn't seem to mind he was confident it was nothing. I go back to see him next month. What if it wasn't nothing? What if this happened because there is something horrible going on in my body that no one could see...could I take that, could my family?


I am worried about becoming a paranoid hypochondriac. My daughter had croup as a baby, as a result when she gets an upper respiratory infection she gets horrible and scary coughs. I know this. I also know what to do, cold air first, then Bendryl and rest. We KNOW this, we have been through this. When she woke up like this at 4am on Thursday, I panicked. I brought her to my bed, I hugged, I cuddled, I held on tight until she said "mommy I go back my bed now". I took her to the doctor. He knows, he knew why I just had to have her checked out. But it was silly, really. She was fine (for her sick self) I was just scared.


That is what I am scared for the most. Suffocating and stifling my youngest with love. I love her harder now, I hold her tighter. I am probably letting her get away with more than I would have and more than I should. I am scared I am babying her now, holding on tho those last grasps of babyhood before she enters preschool next year. I don't want to suffocate her with my love. To not allow her to grow up because I am clinging so tightly.

Mostly, I am terrified of drowning in grief in sadness. So I am going to straighten up, dry the tears and try to keep moving forward without spending so much time looking back over my shoulder at what could have been.


Shell said...

I wish I had some brilliant and insightful words that could help you through this, but I don't and I'm not sure they exist. Just wanted you to know that I'm listening.

Unknown said...

Oh goodness. I too wish I had some magic words to make this all a little easier. I'm so sorry you are having to go through so much pain. At least know that you're not alone, and that there's always someone here to listen! (hug)

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

I too wish I had something to say to make you feel better. I can't imagine all the emotions that you are going through...and I can't blame you for feeling fear among them. You are often in my thoughts and prayers - i know it doesn't make things better, but I hope it helps...even just a little.