Every Mom has a Story

{this photo has NOTHING to do with the post!}

I'm posting over here today. So I'm interrupting our usual Fab Friday, to offer a little companion tale to that post. I don't get on my soap box very often around here and I realize that this post may seem a little soap-boxy, I hope we can still be friends!

My post over there is about breastfeeding, I know, a bit of a hot button issues lately.

The part of the story that seems to be missing the most is the personal stories. I get it, I really do. Breastfeeding stirs a lot of emotional responses because it's so directly tied to the mother and her body. However just like childbirth, every women has her own story about why they did or didn't. We may not like their reasons, but we need to respect them. This is my story.

I was not enthusiastic to breastfeed my first. I was in health care, I knew how it important it was and how much better it was. No one around me breastfeed. Not the only friend I knew with a child, not my mother, no one. I had heard all the negatives. The pain, the difficulty, the lack of sleep. How your husband couldn't help feed it was all your responsibility and you were tied tot he baby. My husband on the other hand was very encouraging and really wanted to me to do it and give it a try. I had agreed to 6 weeks. Originally I only wanted 6 days so that he would get the colostrum and we would move on. My very supportive husband said I had to give it a chance, "try it for 6 weeks, you may be surprised, you may like it".

The frugal, part of me that was balancing life with one paycheck liked the thought of not spending the money on formula. But I was scared of breast feeding and unsure how it would all work. The closer we got to his birth, I', pretty sure I was as scared to try breastfeeding as I was to go through the actual birth! I talked about my birth here, it was not exactly a walk in the park. However as soon as I made it to recovery the nurse asked if I wanted to nurse and helped me get him latched.

It was the weirdest and most amazing feeling in the world. It was not comfortable at first, it just felt right. I couldn't believe all that my body, the body I had spent so many years disparaging, could do. I was amazed at the how comfortable and calming the act of nursing was.

It didn't stay that way long. I suffered with engorgement when my milk came in, forceful let down that almost drowned him, exhaustion, sore nipples, bottle refusal. I was hooked though and determine to make it work. I was alone though, only my husband for support. I was told more then once that I should just "give the baby a bottle" and I would frequently bring pumped milk with me on outings "just in case". I believed my son was bad t public nursing because he was too distracted, never like being covered. It was however probably my nerves and worries about what people would say or think that made it hard.

We lasted 10mo. Barely. I started solids at 4 and always gave them first, which hurt our nursing relationship. By 9 months he was walking and it was hard to get him to nurse other than before bed or nap. At 10months he was done, he had self weaned and was not interested in nursing anymore. I pumped for a little while longer but my supply had dived and it was hard. He had formula for the last two months before his first birthday.

With my daughter I was determined to nurse for a full year. I had plenty of friends and support this time, everyone around me was or had nursed. I was experienced and knew what to expect. I thought.

She had problems latching, she would fall asleep all the time. She had lost so much weight from birth and was jaundice (which my son was too) that the nurses kept telling me she would not be able to go home. I had a nurse say "If you want to take her home with you, you really need to be supplementing because this isn't working." I was so grateful she was not my first and I stuck my ground. I knew,KNEW my milk would come in the day before I left the hospital and I would be engorged and having forceful letdown issues. I demanded a lactation consultant. She was amazing and I am sure I could not have been discharged with my baby without her.

We worked on latch, we tried everything to keep her awake and nursing. To prove to the nurses she was eating (which to this day irks me that I had to "prove" to someone who is a L&D nurse that my baby was eating) I would pump off a little before she nursed, nurse her and then give her a bottle of the pumped milk. At first she wouldn't take the bottle for me, she would either try to nurse or nuzzle in and fall asleep. The same nurse that told me to give formula would practically throw a temper tantrum when I would ask her to help. Through her huffing (about being t00 for this one night) she says to me "what are you going to do when you get home, your going to have to figure out how to feed her on your own!"

I kept up the pump, nurse, bottle for 6 weeks. My daughter did get to come home with me, I had to weigh her before and after nursing the last day and I loved seeing that nurses eyes as the scale went up. We went home and I was certain this as going to be a much better and longer nursing experience. Than I got mastitis. I would not wish that on my enemy, it was horrible. We did get through and were dong fairly well. I was exhausted, she liked to nurse and at 9mo was still nursing several times a night.

Then her teeth came in. She bit me. OUCH! I was half asleep and not expecting it. I yelped. She recoiled and cried and never came back to the breast again, she was 10 months. I tried everything, that multiple lactation consultants and everyone on Kelly Mom could suggest. Nothing worked. She went from 10 nursing a day to none, cold turkey. I pumped, and pumped, and pumped and my supply kept diving. I took supplements, I h ad my thyroid checked. I could not keep up with her demand. I was devastated. I pumped for 8 weeks and she ended up getting formula for only 1 month.

But I still feel like a failure.

So I get it, I really get how emotional the issue is. I was not passionate about nursing until I tried it. I tried it and I still don't feel I did it good enough. But I can say I tried. I don't feel guilty or defensive about giving formula, I gave it my 100%. Do I wish I things had turned out different? Yes. Hopefully I'll get a chance to try again.

So that's my story, what's yours?