Monday, April 5, 2010

Starting Over

{ photo credit Arvind Balaraman}

So twenty ten has been a rough year to say the least. It's been a lot of downs, struggles, bumps in the road. It has changed who I am and where I am going with my life. So while it's been hard, oh so hard I know there was a reason this path was chosen for me. I know that I am growing and moving on.

So today I am officially taking that firs step to really move on. I am making some changes, taking some risks, starting down some new paths. It's exciting, refreshing, scary, and needed. It's so needed as everyday since February 5th a dark cloud has hung over me. It' may not be there all day, it may not be there long, but every day it plays a visit. I need to make it's visits less impactful.

This may seem superficial to you and if it does, too bad, move on. The first change is that I have to do something about me and the way I see myself. I have struggled with body image for a very long time. One of the absolute nightmares of miscarriage is that you still look pregnant. I look 3 months pregnant and I am neither pregnant nor do I have a baby as an excuse. In certain outfits I couldn't blame someone who had just meet me for asking when I was due. My clothes don't fit, I refuse to wear a bella band or buy new clothes. I haven't run since September. I'm getting twitchy with this spring weather. Finally, I still feel somewhat guilty, at fault for what happened. I'm sure I always will. I need to take better care of myself, of my body. I need to eat for fuel and nutrition, not comfort or fun.

So the changes start today. Today I am starting a detox diet that I did last year. It was one week and it was amazing. I felt so good at the end of the week, better than I had in years. I will also be joining Liz on her journey from couch to 5k. For me a 5k isn't the goal, running again is. I am hoping that by the end of summer I will be up to 10-13 mi, which is where I should have been last September before my injury. It would also put me, hopefully in good physical and mental shape to think about trying to get pregnant again, but that's not something I can even think about right now.

Right now my focus is on me and regaining my balance because I can't be a good mom, wife, friend if I am so disgusted, frustrated and unhappy with myself?

So it changes today, the first small step to turn this year around starts today. I'm scared and hopeful.


WeaselMomma said...

Good luck.

Shell said...

Good luck, my friend!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Good luck. You can do this!

Sturgmom said...

I'm on-again/off-again w/ C25K, but it's a great program! I'm impressed that you used to run 10-13 mi! That's awesome! GOod luck with yor changes. :)

Otter Thomas said...

Best of luck with your changes.

paige said...

Wow. Good luck! Change is good. :)

Erin said...

Good for you! Did you start C25K on Monday? I tried in back in January, but my knees were killing me. I think it might have been my shoes. Maybe now that it is warming up I should try running outside instead of on the treadmill!