Monday, May 17, 2010

Hope Burried

The hardest thing to deal with since the loss of my son is the loss of hope that went with it.

I was not, am not, an overly optimistic person.  I like to expect for the worse and than be pleasantly surprised when something good happens. Just another personality flaw that me me a ripe candidate for PPD. Is it possible to have PPD with out having a baby? Or do they just call that plain old depressed? Whatever they call it the lack of sleep this weekend, followed by the onslaught of bad weather and hormones from a period have not been a good mix for this mama. I am down and out and I am trying to so hard not to beat myself up but when hope is literally flowing out of you down the drain it is really, really hard.

I buried those feelings in the dirt yesterday. Dug deep and planted a butterfly garden. One that should start blooming in July. Something to look forward to that should be bright an beautiful instead of a missed due date and empty arms. I had hoped it would be enough to lift the darkness and it wasn't. The nightmares that will forever plague me erased the hope of that.

I  try so hard to go on with my life, to pretend I'm not damaged. I can go days without thinking about it it. than I remember and I fee guilty for forgetting. I try to think positive about it, then I run into someone who doesn't know and asks when I'm due. I try to not cry during the day because my kids are too young to understand but sometimes you can't stop the flow.

I want to be hopeful again, I'm sure it will come someday. For now I will watch my little garden grow and hope that with it's blooms some hope will bloom in me again.

15 comments:

Melisa with one S said...

xoxo

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Oh my goodness, I had no idea! I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this. My heart breaks for you and the pain you are enduring. Your garden is beautiful and I have always believed that butterflies are God's way of telling us there is eternal life. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you, mama.

WeaselMomma said...

You never really forget, but you are allowed to live and laugh again. Also know that it will take time and lots of it.

Becky said...

Oh honey... thinking of you and your beautiful garden!!

The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

I am new to your blog, but wanted to say how brave and strong you are for sharing your heart and soul with the rest of the world.

I cannot even begin to imagine your loss and grief.

The only thing I can offer is the fact that it seems these things you are feeling are all things you need to give yourself permission to feel--for how ever long you need.

I lost my dad in a drowning accident 2 years ago and I struggle with a lot of hopelessness and guilt. It is a tough place to be when you have others depending on you, I know.

I also fear that I could just waste away from a broken heart because it feels like it will NEVER heal. But I do keep plugging along.

I think your garden is such a wonderful idea. I hope it brings you some much healing and peace.

Nap Warden said...

{{hugs}}

Corinne said...

I'm so sorry Melissa...
But know that you are such a strong woman, full of inspiration for other who are where you've been.

Shell said...

Oh, sweetie. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers and love.

Maegan Beishline said...

Oh Melissa...reading this reminded me that I never responded to your response to my comment on the running post...and I had meant to. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking that would be. I know for me, it would be just like any other death, and that it would take a long time to feel okay about things again. I know how dark things can feel inside sometimes. I've gotten a lot of reprieve from talking to someone {therapist or counselor}. It had just gotten to the point at one time where I just couldn't pull myself out of the moods anymore. You're not alone...you don't need to feel that way! Big hugs and lots of prayers!

Deb said...

i'm so glad i decided to stop by today. i want to write something that matters, that might ease your pain, as you have done for me in our brief time 'knowing' each other. i don't pretend to know your sadness, but i know mine and i understand how the feelings ebb and flow uncontrollably and without reason. love and life and loss are all way bigger than we are and it is crazy to think we can somehow stay afloat all the time. but here you are trying to, because you are so much stronger than you even know and it is in you to fight against the undertow of despair.

keep writing and keep reaching out. please know that you are admired and loved and i am here for you.

Anonymous said...

Each new day will bring a mixture of sadness and joy. As time goes forward, place in your mind the picture of you holding a child. What your mind can envision will become a reality. Trust with faith that you will hold that healthy child.
Peace

Michelle said...

My condolences on your loss. Wishing you peace - may God make this difficulty easy for you. Take care. Peace.

Hyacynth said...

Big, huge, bear hugs, friend. Because it's hard and it hurts. But God redeems, restores. Oh, how He loves us. So here for you if you need me.

Lori said...

This is heartbreaking. I am sorry to hear about this. I feel shallow for my complaints. Hugs to you.

Erin said...

My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you found comfort in your garden... digging is so therapeutic.

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