The hardest thing to deal with since the loss of my son is the loss of hope that went with it.
I was not, am not, an overly optimistic person. I like to expect for the worse and than be pleasantly surprised when something good happens. Just another personality flaw that me me a ripe candidate for PPD. Is it possible to have PPD with out having a baby? Or do they just call that plain old depressed? Whatever they call it the lack of sleep this weekend, followed by the onslaught of bad weather and hormones from a period have not been a good mix for this mama. I am down and out and I am trying to so hard not to beat myself up but when hope is literally flowing out of you down the drain it is really, really hard.
I buried those feelings in the dirt yesterday. Dug deep and planted a butterfly garden. One that should start blooming in July. Something to look forward to that should be bright an beautiful instead of a missed due date and empty arms. I had hoped it would be enough to lift the darkness and it wasn't. The nightmares that will forever plague me erased the hope of that.
I try so hard to go on with my life, to pretend I'm not damaged. I can go days without thinking about it it. than I remember and I fee guilty for forgetting. I try to think positive about it, then I run into someone who doesn't know and asks when I'm due. I try to not cry during the day because my kids are too young to understand but sometimes you can't stop the flow.
I want to be hopeful again, I'm sure it will come someday. For now I will watch my little garden grow and hope that with it's blooms some hope will bloom in me again.