Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Not the end of my story

{ photo credit kiwikewilos }

Thank you for all the kinds word yesterday. I feel like I need to expand and clarify.

I have not giving up all hope, I am not hopeless. I can look at my children and be filled with hope for their future and love and happiness. I just fear I will never feel the hope new life again. That I will never feel the joy of what my body can do.

I'm sure it's expected and normal. There are no answers for me. My son was genetically normal the only thing we could learn was that he had stopped growing sometime between 12-14 weeks. I was 17 weeks when I found out. It's hard to not feel that it's somehow your fault, that you were unsuitable when genetics say your child was normal. I know, KNOW that's not the case. I have a degree in biology with a focus on medicine. I KNOW this, but sometimes you can't help but FEEL this.

It's especially hard to not feel it, to not wonder it when you decide to actively start trying to have another. Before my loss I understood that is doesn't happen immediately. I would plan for 3-6 months of trying. I tried not to get my hopes up when I was late. I tried not to think about the possibility, but it snuck in. What if?

The thing is after you go through a miscarriage, or at least after I did, you watch everything that much closer. The second I let hope in, it started flowing out and the analysis and the self doubt crept in. I'm more crampy, are those clots normal, is it too big, was I pregnant and loosing it again? Will I ever be able to get pregnant again.

I know that it will get batter. I read Beth's story and I know that this feeling isn't the end of the story, that it  doesn't have to be then end of my story. I KNOW this.

Sometimes knowing and feeling are hard to separate out, hard to distinguish.

Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. Step by step and moment by moment I will continue to write my story and this will just be a part, but it won't be all and it won't be the end.

1 comment:

Shell said...

Oh, sweetie, day by day is all you can do. Love you, love your strength, love your sweet heart.