Monday, July 12, 2010

Today



Sometimes when my three year old cuddles in my arms her face relaxes enough and she looks like a baby again. This weekend that brought me to tears. Tears that a 3 year old cannot understand. 

My arms physically ache this weekend. They are heavy and tired and ache in a way that cannot be explained to someone who has not lost a child. Maybe an amputee would understand because that's what it feels like, at least in my head. Like a part of me was ripped out, torn off, taken away. Elizabeth wrote a beautiful peace about this for her friend. 

That's where I am. 

Today, today was his due date. Not likely his birthday (because I am a repeat c) but no matter, today he would have been in my arms. Swaddled and cuddled, loved and nursed. 

and he's not. 

My arms are empty and they ache. Ache to hold my baby, my son.

Just when I think I'm accepting my fate. This horrible club that I entered against my will and without my permission. When I think I am strong enough to own it to hold on to it and move on a tsunami wave of grief hits me. When a little face looks up and it's a baby all over again, and crash, fall, tumble. So quickly into the depth of my sadness and I don't know how to stop it. I want to stop it and I don't. I want to feel the full pain of the grief to experience the love I have for him that he will never feel washed over him. 

I also want to forget. 

I want to be able to relish in and love on those cute chubby cheeks of a toddler that are relaxed and cuddling with me and remember her as a baby. Love and cherish this growing baby that I have instead of mourning for the baby that I lost. 

Today was supposed to be just another day. A day of classes and meetings, playing and fun, hugs and kisses. It was supposed to be filled with the sleepless nights of a newborn and the adjusting to a family of five. Instead we are still a family of four. Going about our day looking normal to those on the outside while on the inside my heart is trembling and breaking into a millions tears. 

I want to move on, I want to stay right here. 

I want to have the faith of my husband. A faith so strong and unwavering that he is at peace and knows this is how it was supposed to be and accepts that we will move on and our family will grow. Most days I can muster that up. But today, today as my arms are heavy and ache to hold that baby all I can ask is why?

Why?

My arms ache, my heart breaks, and I wonder why?






I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. 
- Mother Theresa


16 comments:

WeaselMomma said...

Know that my heart is with you today. I hope you can feel me squeezing your hand.

Judy said...

Take all the time you need.

da mainiac mama said...

Let it out and take your own time. A hug from me to you.

Mellisa Rock said...

If more time is what you need to find your way through - then time is what you take. I am so glad that you have an outlet like your blog to work through y

Mellisa Rock said...

you pain and share your feelings - I will keep you in my prayers today!

Jill said...

Thank you for sharing your trembling, breaking heart. You are his mommy. Your aching arms are evidence.

Christine said...

I have no words, can only offer hugs and the comfort of friendship. I hope it helps to know that we are all here, urging you on, thinking of you and hoping for peace.

Jen said...

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. Hope you are able to get through the day without being too sad. ((BIG BIG HUGS))

Becky said...

Oh sweetie... thinking of you today.

Wendy said...

:'( I know your loss, and I know your longing. I lost 3 babies before and in-between my now 3 kids.

Wrapping you up in virtual love. I wish I could make you a cup of tea.

Ann Imig said...

That is a terrific Mother Theresa quote--never seen it--and so apt.

Thinking of you.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I am so sorry.

My due date passed back in June (from 2009). He/she would have been 1 year old last month. I thought about my baby and what life would have been like. It's good to wonder but also just kind of torturous, ya know?

Erin said...

You are in my prayers today. I wish I could hug you. Someday.

Tammy Lee Bradley said...

{virtual hug & a kiss on the cheek}

Corinne said...

Oh honey.... thinking of you. Praying for you.

Polish Mama on the Prairie said...

I've been there, Mama. I understand. Prayers for you. And even though we've never met, I'm sending you hugs.

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