Sometimes when my three year old cuddles in my arms her face relaxes enough and she looks like a baby again. This weekend that brought me to tears. Tears that a 3 year old cannot understand.
My arms physically ache this weekend. They are heavy and tired and ache in a way that cannot be explained to someone who has not lost a child. Maybe an amputee would understand because that's what it feels like, at least in my head. Like a part of me was ripped out, torn off, taken away. Elizabeth wrote a beautiful peace about this for her friend.
That's where I am.
Today, today was his due date. Not likely his birthday (because I am a repeat c) but no matter, today he would have been in my arms. Swaddled and cuddled, loved and nursed.
and he's not.
My arms are empty and they ache. Ache to hold my baby, my son.
Just when I think I'm accepting my fate. This horrible club that I entered against my will and without my permission. When I think I am strong enough to own it to hold on to it and move on a tsunami wave of grief hits me. When a little face looks up and it's a baby all over again, and crash, fall, tumble. So quickly into the depth of my sadness and I don't know how to stop it. I want to stop it and I don't. I want to feel the full pain of the grief to experience the love I have for him that he will never feel washed over him.
I also want to forget.
I want to be able to relish in and love on those cute chubby cheeks of a toddler that are relaxed and cuddling with me and remember her as a baby. Love and cherish this growing baby that I have instead of mourning for the baby that I lost.
Today was supposed to be just another day. A day of classes and meetings, playing and fun, hugs and kisses. It was supposed to be filled with the sleepless nights of a newborn and the adjusting to a family of five. Instead we are still a family of four. Going about our day looking normal to those on the outside while on the inside my heart is trembling and breaking into a millions tears.
I want to move on, I want to stay right here.
I want to have the faith of my husband. A faith so strong and unwavering that he is at peace and knows this is how it was supposed to be and accepts that we will move on and our family will grow. Most days I can muster that up. But today, today as my arms are heavy and ache to hold that baby all I can ask is why?
My arms ache, my heart breaks, and I wonder why?
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
- Mother Theresa
- Mother Theresa