Tuesday, August 3, 2010

What Death Steals

Stolen



Death steals a lot from you, not the least being the life. Until this year I have never dealt with unexpected loss. I have dealt with lots of death, I worked in a hospital and surrounded by death. However all the loss in my life, which with a large Polish family is around 3 times a year, was expected. Someone elderly or sick. No one close to me has suddenly been gone. I guess I am lucky in that.

When death is unexpected it steals from you more then that precious life that was lost.

It steals:

Hope

Happiness

Safety

Security

Joy

Wonder

Comfort

Calm

I rarely sit back and just enjoy things anymore. Fear and anxiety come creeping out of the most unlikely corners. I get edgy when my kids are near anything that could be remotely dangerous. I hold them tighter, hug them closer, live every worst case scenario in my mind. It's painful and exhausting and I 'm not sure it goes away. I know it doesn't from things my husband has said (he lost his father when he was 15). It may lessen but I think that fear is always there.

I want to be able to enjoy all of life to the fullest again. To be able to go on a boat ride and not fear my children falling over. I don't want to hover and be overprotective.

How can I not though.

I've lost one and I couldn't bear to loose another.

I read an article this week about a women who couldn't get over her horrible car crash so she took a defensive driving course. She spent a day racing in rally cars and training with professional drivers learning how to drive and face her fear. She talks about how she learned that when we focus on what we are afraid of, the deer, the tree, whatever you are going to hit that your focus locks on it and you end up steering into it instead of away. That the knowledge of that helped her realize she was focusing on her fear and get over it. I wish there was a course I could take and get over it. My husband has all but said that to me, I need to move on and look at all that we have been blessed with. Focus on the good.

I guess instead of a crash course I'm taking a semester long study. Everyday that I choose to get out of bed and take my kids out, focusing on them despite my fears is one day towards normal. Every time I squash the worst case scenario and let them do something I getting stronger.

Step by step and day by day I will slowly reclaim what death has stolen from me.



7 comments:

Kelly said...

I am sorry for your lose. I also have a hard time dealing with death. But it is true we have to go on and cherish what we do have before that is gone, or the kids are grown, or we move or whatever takes someone away from us.

Stephanie said...

My husband has reminded me in the past four months since my grandfather's death that death is ugly and it was never meant to be pretty. It was never meant to be in fact, until man sinned and all that consequences of that sin filled this world that was once "good" in the eyes of our Creator. Death is hard too and so painful. I'm still struggling with my loss, because everything reminds me of my grandfather. Yesterday, we celebrated my sister's birthday and I saw an empty place where he should have been. I started recalling a memory with him on the way home and had to stop myself as the pain hit me again. I've been learning though, that I can regain those things death stole, especially hope, when I lift it up to the One who gives me true hope and let Him heal my heart. Each time the pain hits me like a giant wave, I look up and say, "Lord, I can't do this. The grief is too much. Please, take it and make me whole again."

Shell said...

You are so brave.

I've never gone through a loss like that. The closest for me was when one of my boys was really sick and I could have lost him. It made me overly alert about every little thing. I became super-protective over every little move my boys made.

I pray it gets easier for you.

Jill said...

Death is your unchosen companion. Who you are and will be is shaped by it as well as by your joy. Your new normal will always be connected to your loss. You never have to deny that even as you choose to get up and greet each new day.

Jamie said...

You are in my thoughts and payers.

Aging Mommy said...

You write so eloquently about something so very tragic. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of such a loss. I had two miscarriages before my daughter was finally born and worried constantly through my final pregnancy, so totally understand how you are now so much more worried about your children, each and every day. That you do all you do and take each day at a time shows what amazing strength you have.

Gigi said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. I have not yet experienced a loss as you describe. I know that it is around the corner, as my parents are very elderly and it could be any moment. You can only do your best, be easy on yourself and take time to adjust to "the new normal."

Thanks for coming and reading my less is more post at Empress'. I appreciate the read.

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