Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What Death Steals
Death steals a lot from you, not the least being the life. Until this year I have never dealt with unexpected loss. I have dealt with lots of death, I worked in a hospital and surrounded by death. However all the loss in my life, which with a large Polish family is around 3 times a year, was expected. Someone elderly or sick. No one close to me has suddenly been gone. I guess I am lucky in that.
When death is unexpected it steals from you more then that precious life that was lost.
I rarely sit back and just enjoy things anymore. Fear and anxiety come creeping out of the most unlikely corners. I get edgy when my kids are near anything that could be remotely dangerous. I hold them tighter, hug them closer, live every worst case scenario in my mind. It's painful and exhausting and I 'm not sure it goes away. I know it doesn't from things my husband has said (he lost his father when he was 15). It may lessen but I think that fear is always there.
I want to be able to enjoy all of life to the fullest again. To be able to go on a boat ride and not fear my children falling over. I don't want to hover and be overprotective.
How can I not though.
I've lost one and I couldn't bear to loose another.
I read an article this week about a women who couldn't get over her horrible car crash so she took a defensive driving course. She spent a day racing in rally cars and training with professional drivers learning how to drive and face her fear. She talks about how she learned that when we focus on what we are afraid of, the deer, the tree, whatever you are going to hit that your focus locks on it and you end up steering into it instead of away. That the knowledge of that helped her realize she was focusing on her fear and get over it. I wish there was a course I could take and get over it. My husband has all but said that to me, I need to move on and look at all that we have been blessed with. Focus on the good.
I guess instead of a crash course I'm taking a semester long study. Everyday that I choose to get out of bed and take my kids out, focusing on them despite my fears is one day towards normal. Every time I squash the worst case scenario and let them do something I getting stronger.
Step by step and day by day I will slowly reclaim what death has stolen from me.