Thursday, September 2, 2010

On Hope and Being Hopeful {My Bigger picture Moment}

Welcome to Bigger Picture Moments, a weekly writing meme where we breathe in the moments that paint a picture of the grander scheme. All moments are welcome in this space -- small or large, as community is just as important as the grander awareness brought on by searching for a bigger picture every week.


Bigger Picture Moment



Hope:
intransitive verb 1) to cherish a desire with anticipation
transitive verb 2) to expect with confidence: trust

Two definitions that clearly define how my husband and I are different. He hopes with confidence that it will come true. For me hope is more like a dream, a wish. I want it to come true, but I am have hardened to it and am pessimistic.

I am not a glass is half empty pessimist, I am more the prepare for the worst case scenario pessimist. I don’t generally share this with everyone, no need to bring the world into the crazy of my brain. It’s just what I have done for as long as I can remember. It’s the clinical side of my brain, the part that allowed me to work in many parts of health care that others cannot stomach. It also allows me to be prepared and not shocked or surprised with the outcomes, like an older relative in the hospital. It doesn’t make me cold or uncaring, I still hurt and grieve. It makes me prepared. Which is why at 15 I was the most calm and collected person at my grandmas funeral and the one that handled many of the day of tasks. My worst case scenario mentality usually allows me the ability to be there and care for others who never would have thought it could happen.

I should say that’s how I used to be. I used to be able to think it through and accept and handle. Than the worst case scenario happened to me. I find it harder and harder to not just assume it will happen again and again and again. I can’t stop the worst case scenario thoughts, it’s how I have been my whole life. They just don’t offer the calm as they used to because now I am on the other side, I have seen them, felt them, lived them and it’s harder to prepare for.

I know spend everyday trying to regain hope in the sense of trust, and belief it will happen. I have hope I just find it hard to be hopeful.

July 12 was a hard day, I was trying to get through the day hoping for peace, calm, and the strength to get through instead of curling up in a ball and sleeping/crying the day away. Luckily have two wonderful children that have needs and activities. It was going too and from those activities that I saw this, in the butterfly garden we planted for JS:




Hope.

Flown in to remind me that life goes on.

The next day we saw this:

{okay this isn't the one from that day, it was a few weeks later }

Hope amplified.

I'm do in February, a week after my miscarriage.

Hope replaced.

To say it’s been a joy and blessing is an understatement. To say it’s replaced all the fear and made me hopeful again would be a lie. It’s been a stressful 15weeks. I am trying to have the hope of my husband. To just relax and accept this gift and know it will be okay. He says I need to stop acting like something horrible will happen and start acting like it won’t.

So this is me acting like it won’t.

We finally told our parents (at 14weeks, the longest we have ever waited). I called my BFF’s and now I am telling you.

It’s time to accept that hope is everywhere, even when your having a hard time seeing it. Sometimes you just need to let go of control and accept it’s presence to truly feel it.

25 comments:

Megryansmom said...

Smiles and joyful tears for you! There is nothing like news of a new life to restore hope.

Jen said...

Oh I am so thrilled for you. Know that I and so many others will be praying you through, seeing the hope with you, even for you when you need us to. Praise God!

Corinne said...

So, so happy for you :) Congratulations!!

Erin said...

Smiles, love, and HOPE.

Young Mom said...

I'm so happy for you! It is scary, but so exciting too.

Deb said...

i am going to hope and dream and be happy and joyful right along with you, girl! i am so happy for you. thanks for tracking my MIA butt down to share this news. hugs and kisses, my friend.

Erin said...

Goosebumps!! I am so excited for you. This is wonderful, happy news. Will keep you in my prayers. Big HUGS!

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

I had chills reading this early this morning on my phone and I have even more chills now! Oh, this is soo exciting, and I am so so happy for you (I seriously have now teared up twice over this post!). Hope is an amazing thing, and you have it and positive thoughts coming your way in spades.

Congratulations!!

Sara said...

So happy for you!

Aging Mommy said...

When something so very tragic happens in your life I think it is only natural to somehow hold your breath, for fear of it happening again. It is as if by worrying in advance you believe you can prevent something bad from happening, anticipate and ward it off. It is a way of trying to control the uncontrollable. But how wonderful to now have this amazing news, I am so happy for you. I know it is easy to say and hard to do (I had two miscarriages before finally having my daughter) but try and enjoy this new pregnancy now. Like you we did not tell anyone until we had that 16 week scan and at that point I really started to hope and finally to look forward with more joy and less fear.

Christine said...

This is amazing, simply amazing and wonderful and oh so exciting. I'm very very happy for you and sending all the positive thoughts that I can that things continue to progress in a healthy way.

I'm like you...I always worry about the worst. My husband is the opposite. Thank goodness for our husbands!

Sarah P. said...

Congratulations!! That is such exciting news. I tend to be the same way, the pessimist and I agree with you that it does make you better prepared when the worst happens. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts as you go through this pregnancy.

swonderful said...

Congratulations mama! Sending love your way.

suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter} said...

you got my eyes brimming! congrats, blessings, and God's great shalom to all of you:)

Hyacynth said...

I <3 you. And little hope baby. And I'm praying for His peace to sweep through you like a mighty river.

This Heavenly Life said...

I love your newly adopted hopefulness, and I'm SO excited for your next months of healthy growth and joy! What a gorgeous bigger picture!

(((Hugs))) Melissa :)

Stephanie said...

Oh, sweet, sweet blessing. God DOES bring hope to the hopeless. Praying for peace throughout this pregnancy and a continued renewed hope. Congratulations!

Michaela (aka Mama Michie) said...

Congrats! So happy for you!

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

Oh I am so very very happy for you!!! What a beautiful blessing!!

Shell said...

I got chills reading this! And will be praying for you.

Jill said...

Congratulations!

Angie said...

Congrats! We are so happy for you all. Now Cole will have a little playmate as well. :) Good luck and enjoy being pregnant!

LutherLiz said...

I'm late seeing this but CONGRATULATIONS! I am SO happy for you and will be praying for you.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

So very many congratulations to you. I know exactly how you feel, and miscarriage changes your life forever. I too waited until I was 4 months along before telling my parents or anyone else. I didn't even feel like it was real until people could clearly tell I was pregnant by looking at me. Then, I felt, it was finally safe to be happy and hopeful. I don't want to be a glass-is-half-empty person, but I felt like it was forced upon me.

Best wishes for an easy 25 more weeks!

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

Oh. My heart. This is beautiful, and so so touching and poignant. What a beautiful and deep post. Thank you so much for sharing this part of you with us.

ShareThis