Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Pregnancy after Miscarriage: Fear and Longing

small wonder
{Photo Credit Alan L}

I am now 33 weeks.

I am in a uncomfortable place of time and space.  

My body is not familiar, it’s large, cumbersome, and uncomfortable.

My mind is a mess of conflicting emotions and feelings, thoughts I can’t verbalize or always explain. Peace is elusive.

I want to be happy, I want to revel and celebrate this pregnancy. I long to hold this baby in my arms. I fear it will not happen. I fear I every ache, pain, twinge, every decision I make that involves my body.

I feel, I hope, that the fear will subside when I have the baby. I have been paranoid, I have suffered the irrational thoughts and fears of PPD. I know that happiness with a new born is not guaranteed. It just seems more attainable right now. If the baby is there, in front of me, I can see that it’s okay, breathing, moving, alive. This lack of control, full knowledge, it makes the pregnancy harder. I think. I hope.

But the fear. It’s there, and sometimes debilitating. I will be having a scheduled c-section*. Just the thought of the operating room starts to make my heart race and my breathing irregular. The last time I was in an OR was when my baby died. The anxiety I fear will take over. Even though I know, I hope, my heart tells me this outcome will be different.

The longing, the fear. They are in constant battle.

In the end hope and faith will win. I know, deep down I know. A little person just kicked me to remind me so.

*This post isn't about that decision, or the why or how it doesn't have to be that way. This is a medical decision made with much thought, care and research based on my history. Please respect that in the comments. 


MrsJenB said...

((HUG)) Prayers and positive energy coming your way. Hope will prevail. Hang in there.

Alita said...

Yes... (HUGS!) I was once told that if it isn't within your control (this isn't) then put it in God's hands. I had a previa placenta with both pregnancies and bled through both (my mom almost hemorrhaged to death of the same problem giving birth to my brother) so I was hysterical with grief and with anxiety. Then I put it in God's hands. It truly did feel so much better. So if you can try to give your worry to God and I will have you in my prayers.


jdkampa said...

I'm thinking of you, and you will be kept in my prayers.

Michael @ adaddyblog.com said...

I know I'm just a guy and as such can't really understand, but we lost to wee ones before our beautiful daughter (also a very complicated pregnancy and delivery) was born. And she is perfect and healthy. I wish the same for you and this baby. Mostly I feel for what you are going through. I remember feeling ours in there kicking, listening to her heart through the fetal monitor I rented... I so just wanted her "out" and in our arms where we knew she'd be safe. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Others have said, if it's out of your control, and it really is, then let go and let God take care of it. Relax as best you can. You're little baby will be in your arms soon. Best wishes for a safe, healthy birth.

-Michael (aka: http://adaddyblog.com)

Jen - LifeWithLevi said...

I remember this feeling all too well myself. Prayers for a safe delivery and a calm mind.

Just A Normal Mom said...

33 weeks. Peace of mind is close. It's just around the corner. Hold on. Hang in there. And find comfort in all the support I see you getting here!

Tasha Lehman said...

I've had two miscarriages and can completely understand what you are feeling. Hang in there and stay strong. Relish in the happy moments and breathe through the tough ones. Lots of love and prayers for you.

Shell said...

Sending you prayers of strength and comfort.

tracy said...

Hugs to you. Living with the uncertainty is so hard. I had 4 losses before my daughter was born 1 1/2 yrs ago via a scheduled C. I sobbed almost daily until the moment I held her in my arms. Such is the life of a mother.

Thinking about you and wishing you peace.

Anonymous said...

Do you get more and more anxious the closer you get to your due date? I'm sorry you lost a baby. And I'm sorry you're facing this increased fear... May you be blessed with a safe delivery and healthy baby!

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

Oh hun, my heart is breaking for you. I hope and pray that everything will go as planned. Lean on those closest to you to help you through. And trust that it will be ok.

Hyacynth said...

Maybe this goes without said, but I feel like it still must be said. I'm praying for this beautiful little bundle of baby. I'm praying for health and a good, strong cry and for baby to bring in his or her arrival a peace that surpasses understanding.
When I go to these places of fear, I spend some time hanging out in Phillippians 4:6. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." The more I say it in my head or outloud or read it, the more I get that peace. I love how that part even shares with us how to pray -- with thanksgiving because when we're expressing gratitude we cannot physically express anxiety. It's impossible because the same neurons fire off both emotions. And that fact alone -- that God knows that because He designed us that way gives me more peace than I can understand.
Sorry. End novel. Your words apparently were very relatable to me. ;) And beautiful as normal.

selfmademom said...

I know just how you feel, but I also know what it's like to have that healthy baby after a loss! Thinking of you...