Monday, February 14, 2011

Really Happening {Pregnancy after Miscarriage}

Sun breaking through the clouds
Photo Credit Dan Taylor
It’s really happening.

In three days we should have our new little bundle of blessings.

It’s so scary, and surreal. I still don’t feel like the day is ever going to get here. I still keep fearing that I am going to wake up and it will all be a dream.

So many nights I have woken up in a panic. Laid there thinking, this is a dream. Having to physically touch my growing belly to make sure it was there because I didn’t feel pregnant.

Just as many night I have woken up from nightmares of tragedy. Things going wrong. Fear, pain, empty arms again.

I want to be excited and anxious but I think I am really just scared. Scared that this will all be a dream, a ruse, a mistake. That my arms will still ache with emptiness.

It’s planned, it’s scheduled. On Thursday we are supposed to have a baby. How many times have I made plans and had God laugh? How many times has my path changed direction? Have I headed off confidently knowing where I was going only end up lost and confused?

I want to have trust and faith that this is the direction, the path, the plan. But I have a hard time accepting reality  and my own lack of control.

Three days.

They will be the longest and shortest days of my life.

10 comments:

Lenae said...

I will be praying for you, my friend!

WeaselMomma said...

Know that my thoughts are with you. Fear is the most reaction you could be having at this point. Guarded excitement and fear.

Good luck and I hope to celebrate with you, in spirit, in 3 days.

Tammy Lee Bradley said...

Prayers coming your way. Remember we will all be with you in spirit and love. xo tam

Megryansmom said...

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Alita said...

PRAYING!!! for you and your little bean and your little family.

Ps. This special gift you are carrying under your heart is the best valentines gift of all. You are in my thoughts Mel! xo

Alita said...

PRAYING!!! for you and your little bean and your little family.

Ps. This special gift you are carrying under your heart is the best valentines gift of all. You are in my thoughts Mel! xo

Cameron said...

Oh, dammit. I was afraid of this. I guess I was hoping that eventually, far enough along in a pregnancy, that constant fear would abate. I don't like reading that it doesn't... although I suppose it's better to know and I do appreciate your honesty. I wonder what it would feel like to be blissfully ignorant of loss, and just be pregnant?

I will be thinking of you, and I eagerly await news that yes, of course, everything is okay, fine, perfect. :)

{{hugs}}

This Heavenly Life said...

I'm sorry you're carrying this worry around with you, but I completely understand why. I just had to tell you, though: I'm feeling absolute, undeniable, free-flying EXCITEMENT for you!

This is real, Mel :) Baby in 3...2...1...

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

Oh my goodness, I can't believe the time is here!! I am so so so so happy for you and I can't wait until you're holding your little bundle of joy. It's been quite a journey- I am going to be tearing up when I get to see a picture!

Crown'd Vic said...

I'm so excited for you! I hope this little angel brings peace to your heart.
Best wishes for a great everything!!!

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