|Photo Credit Stefano Corso|
I’m living on the edge of a black shadow. Standing right at the edge, that fine little space between brightness and light and I am scared.
I firmly believe that simply being aware, both my husband and myself, of my particular symptoms of PPD helped us reduce the effects of it with my second child. Having a doctor who I felt comfortable talking to also helped. However that was a normal pregnancy.
This pregnancy is anything but normal. It has come prepackaged with it’s own unique set of worries and fears, not to mention the continued processing of grief and loss. I have already experienced during the pregnancy the sudden and obsessive thoughts that I had with my PPD, and it terrifies me.
What is going to happen to my mind when the hormones and the sleep deprivation kick in?
Is knowing I am susceptible, is knowing that this time is so different enough to protect me?
I bring myself back from teetering over that edge, looking into the darkness by remembering.
I am different now. We are different now. My husband knows my symptoms, I know my symptoms. We know where to go to get help, we know what to do. The resources and network I have now are so different and so much more complete then when I had my first. I am not as isolated as I was back then, a new mom in a new town.
But still, I can see that dark shadow just lingering in the distance. It’s there and it’s aurora can easily pull me in, bring me to it’s edges with self doubt and fear. This time I have a safety net, a rope I can hold on too so that I don’t fall so deep. But it doesn’t stop the fear and wonder if it’s strong enough.
Am I strong enough to overcome the shadows and the dark? To see them coming and turn on the lights.
I continue to hope and pray and believe. I’ve been in this nightmare of PPD before and I’m hoping that the memories of those shadows and darkness are enough to keep me grasping for the light, the joy and the blessing.
Knowledge is power.
I am banking on that.
I know where I have been, I know what to look for and I hopefully know enough to not end up as deep in the mind numbing darkness.