Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Walking on the Shadows Edge

Walking on the Edge
Photo Credit Stefano Corso

I’m living on the edge of a black shadow. Standing right at the edge, that fine little space between brightness and light and I am scared.

I firmly believe that simply being aware, both my husband and myself, of my particular symptoms of PPD helped us reduce the effects of it with my second child. Having a doctor who I felt comfortable talking to also helped. However that was a normal pregnancy.

This pregnancy is anything but normal. It has come prepackaged with it’s own unique set of worries and fears, not to mention the continued processing of grief and loss. I have already experienced during the pregnancy the sudden and obsessive thoughts that I had with my PPD, and it terrifies me.

What is going to happen to my mind when the hormones and the sleep deprivation kick in?

Is knowing I am susceptible, is knowing that this time is so different enough to protect me?

I bring myself back from teetering over that edge, looking into the darkness by remembering.

I am different now. We are different now. My husband knows my symptoms, I know my symptoms. We know where to go to get help, we know what to do. The resources and network I have now are so different and so much more complete then when I had my first. I am not as isolated as I was back then, a new mom in a new town.

But still, I can see that dark shadow just lingering in the distance. It’s there and it’s aurora can easily pull me in, bring me to it’s edges with self doubt and fear. This time I have a safety net, a rope I can hold on too so that I don’t fall so deep. But it doesn’t stop the fear and wonder if it’s strong enough.

Am I strong enough to overcome the shadows and the dark? To see them coming and turn on the lights.

I continue to hope and pray and believe. I’ve been in this nightmare of PPD before and I’m hoping that the memories of those shadows and darkness are enough to keep me grasping for the light, the joy and the blessing.

Knowledge is power.

I am banking on that.

I know where I have been, I know what to look for and I hopefully know enough to not end up as deep in the mind numbing darkness.


Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say - but I do want you to know that I read your words, and were touched by them. I hope you are okay - I hope you are able to battle this - I hope you will not have to suffer through this again. But, my hopes are meaningless. Your honesty, your writing is amazing..
Only a few more days till your little one is in your arms. :) How very exciting.

Jen said...

Thanks for you transparency. It helps others. I too know ppd...for me it was most evident after my miscarriage last spring.

Melissa, I am praying for you.


Melissa E. said...

Sending positive vibes your way for after the baby is born. . . I know how you feel because I'm pregnant after having a miscarriage last year. So many emotions, but plenty of joy as well. I guess I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

PPD might be hard to deal with, but at least you know what to do now. Maybe the doctors can head it off at the pass.

Anonymous said...

I spent a little time reading a few of your posts today. I got a better understanding of where you have been and what you are going through. I am excited for you! For tomorrow! For the birth. Your baby is going to be fine and healthy!
And as for you, as you said, you know what to look for. You know some things you can do to head it off. Be sure to take as good a care of yourself as you can!
I am glad you have reached out to the blogoshere as there are so many women who have dealth with PPD and just talking with others can help. And just incase you haven't heard of this resource, be sure to visit Katherine Stone at http://www.postpartumprogress.com/
I'll be praying!

Shell said...

I think that knowledge really is power and you will get through it all!

Brooke said...

PPD is scary. I had it much worse with my first than my second. Sounds like you are on 3?? For me, knowing what to expect was key... and also knowing that the infant stage is fleeting helps too. Hang in there - I will be thinking of you!!!

tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

Knowledge IS power! The shadow still lurks, but you are prepared. PPD and other depressions suck balls. I hope you are able to escape its clutches this time. Peace.