Friday, March 4, 2011

Five Minute Friday: Mirror

This was very hard to write without repeatedly going back and deleting, censoring my words. So here goes nothing....


When I look in the mirror

I see a shadow.

The shadow of my happy self, the shadow of my put together self (having a hard time not deleting right now).

I’m tired, and frustrated. Frustrated with the mess, the drama, the things I need and want to do.

I see a mom who is weeks, months, away from getting back to the order and routine that was so comforting to everyone in the house. Yet at every turn someone says Your supermom (I hate that word) you look great, it’s amazing, you're out!

I have to be. If I’m not out I will wallow, wallow in the definite lack of super. The extra yelling, the extra TV.

I see the shadows of the never ending Chicago winter, the shadows of nightmares creeping in, the shadows of unmet expectations. I want to shine a light on them all.

Force them to disappear into the brightness of the light of spring.

For right now I will just look in mirror and focus on the ever present joy of having the second chance for sleepless nights.No matter if the shadows creep in, or stay on the edge, I will relish in that joy of second chances.


You can join in 5minute Friday at The Gypsy Mama


TempestBeauty said...

Oh mama... Hugs hugs hugs.

It is so real, having a new baby. Maybe you won't ever get back to the old normal. Maybe this is the new normal? Maybe that is okay?

I know this feeling so well. I'm so proud of you for putting it out there. Don't feel guilty for your feelings, owning them and looking them in the face is so powerful. It will get better... I have to believe it too.

Hugs and love for you. You ARE a great mom, you are a REAL mom. <3

R said...

I'm crying while I write this. My baby is 3 months old but I am so sick of supermom comments too. I HAVE to get out, also for the 3 year old, but because if I don't I never will. I try to remember the real, good things when they happen... Getting a shower, managing to get both boys napping even if I can't... Thank you for your openness. I am getting help for PPD and checked out the Daily Hope email after your recent mention of it.

Peace and prayers to you. Hopefully this snow will finally melt.

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

I love this because of the raw honestly in it.

I hope that Spring comes soon, to lighten everyone's moods.

Hyacynth said...

Love your honesty, your emotion, M. It's growing lighter, though, friend. Every day. It's growing lighter.

Shell said...

But, you ARE doing amazing.

It's not the same routine, I know you aren't back to how you want to be or found your new normal yet.

But, just the fact that you can be out and about and getting things done- THAT is enough.

Gretchen said...

aah. to be a new mama.

When I see those new moms who are like, "Oh breastfeeding is going GREAT! No sore nipples at all!" and "She's sleeping through the night already!" and "I'm just so happy."

I want to punch them in the face.

It is SO. DAMN. HARD. at the beginning. Yes, of course, the baby is perfect and sweet and precious. And demanding. And the boss of time and space. And by the way, mom can you sign my permission slip mom can you give me money for lunch honey can we talk about the bills mom do I have any clean underwear woof woof feed me....

ad nauseum.

for the next 18 years.

But it does get better. You know it, I know it. It seems SO FAR AWAY right now. But it will come soon. Keep your eyes peeled for that light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, just keep watch for it.