Her, at Four

 
Her hair smells faintly of coconut, the softest golden brown locks gently brushing against my cheek.

I wrap her up in my arms and feel her relax into the nook of my shoulder.

She’s growing up, so big and fun. But at moments like this she is still my baby. My difficult impossible baby. The one that makes me look in the mirror of my soul. The one that has taught me so much about me.

She still has the roundness of a baby, the soft elbows, the round cheeks. But from within the roundness pokes out the edges of a little girl emerging from the shell of a baby. The knobby knees the long legs, the sassy attitude. She is growing into her own person. It’s exciting to watch, her insight, her thoughts, all independent and her own. Not parroted from a brother.

It causes my heart to swell and sometimes takes my breath away.

I worry that we have ruined her, making her a middle child. Changed her course forever. Than I see her doting and loving on her little sister. Eager to teach, and play and care. I know we have changed her, but not ruined her. She is growing and learning and this is just another part. 

Right now I push the growing thoughts aside and just cuddle my baby because she will let me. our moments like these are limited. I can’t wait to see what she will become but I want to remember and hold on to what I have now.

She turned four this weekend. We celebrated with a tea party that was "amazing" according to her.

She's no longer my baby she says, "I'm big! Don't you know I'm four now!" Yes, yes I do, but you will always be my baby girl. My first girl, the one that opened up parts of my heart I didn't know were closed. The one that has taught me about beauty and love.

Yes, you're big now, but you will always be my baby girl.

I love you. Happy Birthday Big Girl!