Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Empty, Broken, Blessed


I've been in a bad mood.

A dark and festering foul mood going on three days.

I couldn’t figure out why...

I'm taking my meds, I'm trying to find time for a quick yoga routine...

I knew I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, heat and summer break have made it harder. Still, this gray cloud was threatening to engulf me.

I was laying in bed listening to the winds blow a storm in, feeling my husbands hand on my back saying his nightly prayer when it hit me.

The invite on the table.


1 year.

My best friends baby was having a first birthday.

We should be celebrating together.

Our due dates were a week apart

He should be here turning one.

Then I immediately feel terrible, worse than before. I look at her and see my beautiful miracle knowing that if he was here she shouldn’t be.

It’s so conflicting. 

To long for the one that is gone while loving on the one that is here.

Missing him doesn’t mean I don’t love her and cherish her.

But having her, loving her, cherishing her, doesn’t make the pain of not being able to hold him any less.

I hate this.

I hate feeling so empty and broken when life is so full and blessed.

But its still missing something.

It will always be missing something


Kim wrote about this even more beautifully than I could, which is probably what helped my brain finally acknowledge what was wrong.


Hyacynth said...

I know there are no words, but I'm remembering him along with you as the date of his first birthday draws nearer.

Lisa Noel said...

I know the conflict and the hole. It is so hard. My good friend who had a baby within weeks of my lose, lost her daughter and I grieved doubly for her too.
No one can understand without being in those whoes. Feel how you feel and don't let anyone (even yourself) talk you in to thinking it's wrong to feel.

Barbara said...

I don't know how you feel but I wanted to say that this post was just beautiful! Hugs!

Desperate Housemommy said...

This was achingly lovely. Thank you for sharing it. Your friend is blessed to have you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. I went through this in November, when the baby I miscarried would have been born..

A Mommy in the City said...

Sending over positive thoughts and prayers. ::hugs::

jdkampa said...

I know how you must feel. My would-be due date is approaching in about a month. Thinking of you and sending a little prayer for peace.

Melissa E. said...

I can empathize with how you're feeling. I had a miscarriage last year right before Memorial Day weekend, and then when that same weekend came around this year, I was nine months pregnant with my son, who was born June 9. The emotions are confusing --the remembered sadness and loss mixed with joy and happiness.

When all of this gets mixed with post-partum horomones, things can get very confused.

Best wishes to you in your healing.

Amber_D said...

This post made me ache. Thanks for sharing. I lost a baby once as well and have a nephew born around what would have been my due date.

It is so bittersweet every year when that day comes.

Shell said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. And what a hard thing to do- to balance the sorrow with the joy. *hugs*