Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Empty, Broken, Blessed
I've been in a bad mood.
A dark and festering foul mood going on three days.
I couldn’t figure out why...
I'm taking my meds, I'm trying to find time for a quick yoga routine...
I knew I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, heat and summer break have made it harder. Still, this gray cloud was threatening to engulf me.
I was laying in bed listening to the winds blow a storm in, feeling my husbands hand on my back saying his nightly prayer when it hit me.
The invite on the table.
My best friends baby was having a first birthday.
We should be celebrating together.
Our due dates were a week apart
He should be here turning one.
Then I immediately feel terrible, worse than before. I look at her and see my beautiful miracle knowing that if he was here she shouldn’t be.
It’s so conflicting.
To long for the one that is gone while loving on the one that is here.
Missing him doesn’t mean I don’t love her and cherish her.
But having her, loving her, cherishing her, doesn’t make the pain of not being able to hold him any less.
I hate this.
I hate feeling so empty and broken when life is so full and blessed.
But its still missing something.
It will always be missing something
Kim wrote about this even more beautifully than I could, which is probably what helped my brain finally acknowledge what was wrong.