Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Swirling Waters

the fury

Words swirl around in my head, smashing, crashing ,spinning into a soup of letters floating around and not making sense. I have so much I want to say and yet I don’t want to say anything. While it’s my battle, its not fought alone and I worry about the impact of my words. So I don’t sleep but drown in a sea of letters floating around in my head waiting for me to stir them up, string them together and spit them out.

This is my PPD reality.

A confusing lake of water where some days I swim, some days I tread and others it's all I can do to keep from drowning. I want to find a better balance...find my footing and it seems to be taking so long. I mean I have tread these waters before, for so long gasping for breath without any flotation devices. I have help, I am not sinking.

I'm just tired. I want to exercise. I want to have a clean house. I want to meet deadlines and play with my kids and I want to do it all while only thinking about that one thing I am working on. I am tired of incomplete tasks and multitasking, my brain can’t multitask any more.

I wanted the big family, and chaos, disorder, lack of time is just par for the course right? It’s partially the disease, the imbalance, feeding the frustration, churning the waters...

Something has to give and I guess the only thing that makes sense is my expectations.

I need to be happy with little accomplishments. Small successes, a few words strung together here and there....I’m trying.

Some days it’s hard.

This morning it’s hard.

I want to take a fishing net and scoop up the swirling words. Jump out of the churning water and just lay on the beach. Instead I will be happy cleaning one corner of my desk and putting away 1 load of laundry. I will try to revel in small accomplishments and remember that this swirling isn’t forever.


Robin said...

when I feel overwhelmed by it all, I remind myself that it was my dream in life to be married and have 2 kids...I have that now and I need to really appreciate everything I have in the daily life. I read that here on blogger land one day when I was really struggling, and it made all the difference.

I know that doesn't take away what you are feeling, but maybe it can help with a way to seek joy amidst the pain.

MamaRobinJ said...

I know. I have felt - sometimes still do feel - that same way. "Swirl" is a perfect word, even if it feels perfectly awful.

You're not the only one. Hugs.

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

You described this perfectly. When life is overwhelming for me, I figure out what I can let go. Maybe I can't make dinner from scratch that night, and a frozen pizza will just have to do. Maybe the house doesn't get cleaned. But I have to let something go, or I will go crazy, become overwhelmed, crabby and depressed. It's hard though. Oh so hard.

Alita said...

Does it help to know that you aren't alone? I felt that way once as well and it really felt so isolating. I will pray that you find mostly serenity it your days and when you can't I pray that you be kind to yourself.

You deserve it chica.


Barbara said...

There isn't much I can say, and just send you "hugs"!

Hyacynth said...

Our conversation yesterday makes so much more sense now. I'll be praying for clarity for you. It will lift, I pray expectantly. It will.

Lucy The Valiant said...

Such a perfect description, dearie. And you aren't alone in this.

K. Hutchison said...


Shell said...

Oh honey. Hang in there and keep swimming. Or find something to grab onto and float along for a little while until you are feeling better.