Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Words swirl around in my head, smashing, crashing ,spinning into a soup of letters floating around and not making sense. I have so much I want to say and yet I don’t want to say anything. While it’s my battle, its not fought alone and I worry about the impact of my words. So I don’t sleep but drown in a sea of letters floating around in my head waiting for me to stir them up, string them together and spit them out.
This is my PPD reality.
A confusing lake of water where some days I swim, some days I tread and others it's all I can do to keep from drowning. I want to find a better balance...find my footing and it seems to be taking so long. I mean I have tread these waters before, for so long gasping for breath without any flotation devices. I have help, I am not sinking.
I'm just tired. I want to exercise. I want to have a clean house. I want to meet deadlines and play with my kids and I want to do it all while only thinking about that one thing I am working on. I am tired of incomplete tasks and multitasking, my brain can’t multitask any more.
I wanted the big family, and chaos, disorder, lack of time is just par for the course right? It’s partially the disease, the imbalance, feeding the frustration, churning the waters...
Something has to give and I guess the only thing that makes sense is my expectations.
I need to be happy with little accomplishments. Small successes, a few words strung together here and there....I’m trying.
Some days it’s hard.
This morning it’s hard.
I want to take a fishing net and scoop up the swirling words. Jump out of the churning water and just lay on the beach. Instead I will be happy cleaning one corner of my desk and putting away 1 load of laundry. I will try to revel in small accomplishments and remember that this swirling isn’t forever.