Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Medicated Mom Tango


I dance a complicated dance. The music swirls and I move around without really knowing the steps or which way to go.


I am a medicated mom.



That is not easy to say out loud, so I don't.



Oh sure I can joke with a good friend that my Bitch Face is getting better “because Im medicated”. But saying it out loud....writing it on a form...anxiety, tightness in my chest, stress.



No one wants to admit that they need drugs to feel normal...that’s what Katherine tweets to me when I express my fear over calling the doctor. Confirming that yes the pills seem to be working and I need a refill....please just do it and don’t make me talk about it.
 

The talking is hard.


Writing is easier.


I can pretend no one reads my words, no one is judging, mocking. Giving the shifty eye and the sideways glance oh yeah...she’s medicated that’s why....



The truth is it’s hard to say it out loud but I am a better mother because I am medicated.


and that...that statement...makes me feel so guilty.


So guilty that I wouldn't consider it before.


So guilty that PBbaby is getting a better mother than my other two because I wouldn't even entertain the thought of medication back then. Guilty that I am the cause of personality quirks and speech delays.


That somehow they were shortchanged because I was scared and selfish...



I want to tell myself it’s not true, but I don’t always believe myself.



That is the tango that I dance. The push and pull between guilit and acceptance.






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Practice showing myself kindness and just writing without revising. Linking up with Heather of the EO's Just Write.

19 comments:

alita jewel said...

My darling Mel you are not the reason for speech delays. Don't even think that for one second. Now quirks, that may be different. I know that Anthony's anxiety was spurred by my own until I was medicated as well (shhh, I don't tango very well) but now that I'm off of my medicine and I've successfully hit that reset button, I feel better.

It is important to not be selfish, and you are doing it well while trying to do it all.

Alita

Jo said...

I had a few thoughts on medication that I blogged about too. Being well is the most important thing.

http://www.minnesotajoy.com/2011/08/breakfast-of-champions.html

One Crafty Mother said...

Oh, that push-pull between guilt and acceptance. I know it well.

Medication helps so much - I wish the stigma would drop away, that more brave women like you would shout from the hilltops to help others out there who are struggling.

You are an amazing, strong, loving Mom - you are taking care of yourself to be the best mother you can be, and I think you are awesome.

-Ellie

Kate said...

Acceptance is harder because guilt is everywhere. I think you probably know this already, but you are your own worst critic. Nobody judges as harshly as a mother does herself. I know I do. And meds? I know there's stigma, but everyone is on them.

Deila said...

Loved your post, and being an older mom, having gone through some tough times with five kids and a horrible case of anxiety and mitral valve prolapse for 10 of those years, I believe you need to do what makes you your best, because life is hard. Don't feel bad at all. They didn't know how to treat mine, and gave me drugs that made me depressed, so I just went without, and had to exercise, sleep more and eat better. But I sure need my energy drink to face the day today. LIfe is messy.

Elaine A. said...

The mommy guilt dance is definitely a delicate one. I hope you can learn not to feel guilty about this. I had to too. Many hugs.

Nicoolmama said...

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh how I have battled with these same feelings.

I said to my husband the other day, "It bugs me that I have to take a pill every day to be normal."

But, MAN does it help!

Corinne said...

Oh honey... I hear you...

Amber Lena said...

Girlfriend! Throw away that guilt!!! We medicate so we can be better mothers - do NOT be ashamed of that. You'd be surprised how many mothers are in the same exact position as you. I also wrote a similar post: http://www.taooftwins.com/2009/12/anti-depressants-make-me-better-mother.html

Lucy The Valiant said...

No guilt, you are wonderful!

Patty Ann said...

I too, have been medicated, and we just made the decision to medicate my teenage daughter. She is struggling with depression as well as her disease. I think that we should do for ourselves those things which make us healthy. When we are healthy, we are better mothers and wives. When we are sick, we are not as good as we could be. I think you should rejoice because you are amazing. You are taking care of yourself and taking care of your family. That is the very best thing you can do.

Galit Breen said...

Oh that dance- that push and pull- it just really kicks our asses, doesn't it?!

I'm so glad that you wrote this and gave voice to your heart. You're not alone and you're definitely heard.

Jenna said...

this was such a raw and vulnerable post. one day i need to write one similar to it. i get this, really really get it. thank you. *HUG*

ros said...

I myself do not suffer as you do (the need for medication, i mean...i do suffer the mummy-guilt!), but my husband does have depression, and he has been medicated 6 months (necessary after a particularly trying year) and I have to tell you as the spouse...it is a miracle. He is a different man and that has made my world different. He always was an great dad but now it comes effortlessly and without stress. We are back to being best friends again...something that was strained for a while there. He tells me he finds everything so much easier now and can pull himself up if he starts feeling down, something he thinks maybe he never before had the capability to do. (I never knew how bad he felt inside till now.) I am so grateful to the drugs, for him, for me, mostly for our kids!! My advice to him is don't feel guilty about not before medicating or about medicating now (he too is very silent about it)...just be glad that something works to make your life easier and our family a better unit. Same same to you!

Ginny Marie said...

This is a topic that touches close to my heart...my sister has become depressed about NOT being able to ever stop taking her anti-depressants. It's just that she feels so much better when she is taking them -- and then I don't have to worry so much about her! It's quite a tango, but so worth it.

darcie said...

Girl, if Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy. Good for you for doing what you need to. People will always judge - if you medicate or not, or if you choose red rainboots over blue. It's just how life is.
Hang in there.
xoxo

Heather EO said...

Oh lady, I totally and completely GET IT. I dance so many dances, too. Much love and peace to you...please remember, you are SUCH a good mom and always have been. I know it. I'm sure of it. No matter what.

Working Mommy said...

You've realized that the pills are helping you so that is the first step. If they make you a better mommy, then that is all that matters.

wm

Stephanie said...

Oh, I get this, completely. While I've had to work through a LOT of buried emotions and unresolved anger, the hardest person to forgive was myself. But, God has been gentle whispering this truth to me daily, "I know who you are, Stephanie. I know your struggles, I know your failures, I know your mess. And I still love you. I sent my Son to free you from those names and to give you a new name. You are my child and you are beautifully and wonderfully made new in me every single day." (Is it weird that I copied and shared my own words from a blog post? ;)

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