Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I don’t like girls

I don’t.  Not Really.

I mean I love MY girls, the ones I birthed. I mean I don’t like girls, ladies, women. I mean...I generally don’t have a lot of friends. I am friendly and social and I have a lot of acquaintances but friends? No. Girlfriends have always taken too much effort. So much drama, and games and comparison. I always found boys, men easier to understand and connect with.

At least that’s what I have always told myself. As I get older though I I have often longed for that one good friend, the one that has known you since you were a toddler. Who has seen you through every stage of our life.

I don’t have one of those.

I have a hard time connecting with women, letting down walls and guards and really, truly feeling close.

Which makes the thought of a weekend at a women's christian blogging conference where I would be spending 12 plus hours in a car with two women  and rooming with three other women and then going to sessions with 250 women a little nerve inducing. I mean women are catty and dramatic. My clothes, my hair, my writing, how I parent none of those were going to be able to keep up and compare especially in a group of Christian woman. At least that's what the voice in my head kept telling me. Even traveling with someone who I consider a close friend could not take the bit of worry from my heart that this was going to be a disaster, that I would stand out like the rocker at a classical music concert.

I do have friends. I have a handful of very close girlfriends, we see each other a few times a year or for drinks her or there. They fill me up and are there when I need them. I use that as a crutch. I have friends, I don’t need to make friends with (fill in the blank), who cares if the preschool, gymnastic, soccer, etc.  moms like me.

I have always been a shape shifter, able to blend into whatever group I was with which is good but doesn’t make for meaningful friendships. I used to think that I was the type of person that just didn’t make those deep connections with people and didn't need to.

This weekend I made deep connections.

With women. With myself. With my faith.

I think one of my biggest takeaways was that I do need and crave those deeper relationships. I want to have long and deep discussions and be open and vulnerable with those around me. I want to laugh and giggle and snort and sing Adele and act goofy. There is something deep down inside me that wants that understanding and acceptance of being surrounded by women who are so strong and smart and loving.

It filled my soul.

Keeping it filled will be hard, but I need to remember women were not meant to mother in isolation. It’s so easy to become a home body, especially with a little one. I need to force myself to maybe be a bit uncomfortable and put myself out there because the rewards are well worth it.

Linked up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out and with the Relevant Linky.

**The Sticky: Our trip to Relevant was generously sponsored by Chevy’s Driving the Midwest who provided us a tank of gas and a Traverse to get there. Our ride was also being fueled by Kawa Japanese and Asian Cuisine,Dr. Reena Jacobs of The Healing GrovesCurves of Lake CountyBigger Picture Blogs and Little Lake County, each of who provided one tank of gas for the trip. All opinions expressed are our own.


Shell said...

I have the same problem. It was always easier for me to hang out with the boys.

Until I got married and then that seemed frowned upon.

I have a few close friends- but I don't get to see them often.

One of these days, girl- we will meet. I know we'll get along wonderfully. xo

Lindsey V said...

I am so glad you got MORE out of this weekend than you anticipated! The connection with other women was definitely the highlight of the weekend for me in spite of all the great things that I learned!

Was such a pleasure to get to know you a "bit" as roomies! I really appreciate you guys letting me share with you!

suzannah | the smitten word said...

i so enjoyed spending time with you, lovely.

it's hard creating community and making real friends as adults. to going deeper:)

Unknown said...

Look at you hangin' with "the girls". Looks like so much fun!

Fiona said...

Great post! I really relate to everything that you shared. I'm glad you had a good experience at the conference :)

Kate F. (@katefineske) said...

I always seemed to connect with boys more at a younger age. The drama of women and girls... I just wanted no part of it. BUT, in my old age (OK, not that old, but older!) I have learned how great, how different and - most importantly - how necessary the support of a good girlfriend can me. It is like not other.

So glad you were able to recognize and find this during your conference. Really enjoyed reading this...

Hyacynth said...

I've been thinking about this post since I read it earlier, and I just have to echo the same sentiment that I shared yesterday. I'm so glad to be invited inside. I would have missed out on so much lovely, so much beauty, so much camaraderie, so much awesome that is you otherwise. xo

Barbara said...

I've been the same ever since I was younger. I've always had an easier time making friends with boys. Even now, my two greatest friends in the world are male (and gay so no jealousy issues with the hubs). I find that it is hard to make friends the older I get whether it be male or female.