Monday, January 9, 2012

Walking the Walk

I have a confession to make.

In this space right here, I am really good at talking about our loss. I can shout his name from the hills and I can easily say but really it’s four.

In my day to day life, not so much.

I’m out often with just PBbaby and am always asked, “oh is she your first” and I always respond with “no my third”.

But really it’s four.

The easy answer is that those hard conversations, those pitying eyes are not something I want to have with a store clerk who is just making small talk. I think that's fair.

What about at home though?

I feel like we walk a tightrope of trying to live the life we have with the children who are here without forgetting the one we lost. I struggle with how to keep him in our hearts without turning everyday celebrations of life into a morose occasion. My children are young, my daughter was only 2 when we lost our son, they don’t quiet understand. My son understands but is a worrier and the more you talk about something the more he frets.

So I stay silent.

Stephanie does this fun thing on the fourth of every month where she takes a picture of all her kids together. I had planned to join in this year but completely forgot until she posted hers. I was so bummed, I missed it, today was the fourth, and I needed to take my picture on the third. When a light bulb went off.

But really it’s four.

So I gathered my kids up. On that Fourth day of the month I gathered my 3 kids and teddy bear and piled them into daddy’s chair and snapped away.

But really its four and now I will have a way to remember that and celebrate that in a way that is celebration and not a funeral. In away that when my kids are older I can explain it to them. That bear, that bear sits in for your brother.

I’m walking the walk and it brings me such comfort.


Can I tell you something else about that picture? About that bear? That bear, that bear that is sitting in place of my dear lost boy. He belonged to my husbands grandma, the grandma that from that fateful day I have envisioned holding, rocking and loving on my baby.


~michelle pendergrass said...

I want to be there and hug you. It's so devastating to read and so perfect that it's on the 4th so while I'm crying for you, for your loss and your pain...I'm smiling, too, because it's right.

And the teddy bear. And Grandma.

Love you (((hugs)))

Jen said...

Tears. I know. I think of it often as people are astonished that I have 4 and I think...but there could be 5 or 6 or 7 here.

My 3 yo has the most memory of Abigail...and it may be is because in some way that she cannot articulate and we don't quite get she is actually grieving her missing twin who she spent the first 20 weeks in the womb with. But she doesn't know about that yet. Yet she daily speaks of Abigail as if she held her in her own arms and cries often about how she aches to be with her baby sister in heaven...that she just wants her back.

I think often about my babies being with my Grandfather...bouncing on his knee just like he did with me...or that our babies somehow have found each other up there...not that i pretend to fully understand heaven but it is a peaceful image.

Love and Hugs to you, Melissa!

Robin said...

oh how this post brought tears to my eyes. I cannot think of a better way to celebrate all 4 silently, in your own way. Beautiful. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this... My angel baby would have been 6 tomorrow. We will celebrate with cake, but I will hide my tears from the children who are here. I was just trying to get my head around FEELING like there is 3. And my heart knows there is.

Anonymous said...

So beautiful, your words, and the picture.
We miscarried very very early in a suprise pregnancy (I was on birth control). I don't talk about it much in 'real' life, but do on my blog. In the spring we plan to start trying - and I always stumble because I'm not trying for my first. But to explain that to random people? No, I'll probably will call him or her my first aloud, even though in my heart I know that he or she is actually my second.

Stephanie said...

this is so, so beautiful. thank you for sharing your heart and for putting something so hard into such beautiful words. i haven't been where you are (and i praise God for that) but your words help me to understand and to know how to pray for and encourage friends who have been there.

Barbara said...

Such a beautiful post. I love the teddy bear and I'm sure she is cuddling your precious boy!

Stephanie said...

I had forgotten I commented on this post...and now today I'm reading it with a new lense and your words mean more to me than I ever expected. Thank you, friend. My grieving heart needed to be reminded I'm not alone.