Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Spaghetti Tightrope {Just Write}

As a mother of a child lost I walk a wobbling tightrope of emotions everyday.

Not the taunt, tight steel ropes held a loft in a circus tent to display great feats of courage. No. My tight rope is like a wet wobbly noodle or the rope that a cartoon charter would walk.

It wobbles and bounces. One minute it’s straight and hard and I feel like I have it together and the next it’s wiggling and bouncing and slipping all over.

Parenting is hard. I’ve seen a saying that goes “I love my children with all my heart I just don’t always like them”.

Sometimes our kids are mean and rude and they scream and they yell and they fight sleep and they bite you and you just want to (and sometimes do) scream back. We all have off days.

 When my baby acts up though. When she is pushing me to the edge so hard I can see the black bottom coming faster and faster, I am slammed in to a rock of guilt.

She’s a blessing, a second chance, you need to appreciate every. single. minute.

I do. I know this. I know this so deep that it hurts and it pulls and that tight rope of spaghetti goes all wobbly and cannot be controlled and then I fall.

Because I’m still human.

I’m still a mother and parenting is hard.

Parenting with the shadows of fear and loss only make it that much harder and more slippery of a path.


deila taylor said...

yea, motherhood is tough, and we all feel guilty at times. My daughter was super tough, and now she is 30 and she fully understands those times I was flipping out. She now has the two little girls, ages 2 and 4!

Hyacynth said...

Oh, yes. Parenting with a side of loss infused into the mix make it all the harder because these little blessings are people, too. And, yes, yes, people are gifts, but they are also humans who have flaws, too. That makes them hard to like always even when we love them. And that's ok. We're not always likable. It's a slippery rope, as you said; you walk it in company, friend.

Jen said...

I so get this feeling. When I just had it and am so exhausted and want to escape I too feel guilty...it is hard.


Kimberly said...

Parenting is so extremely hard and you described that feeling of guilt to a T. I am very blessed to have my son healthy so I can't even imagine the guilt you harbor.
Believe in what you said...you are human. You're doing a great job.

Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri said...

It is definitely challenging. There is a tug and pull between the bliss and joy in parenting as well as the utter exhaustion. Both I think are necessary to appreciate the tightrope we walk as parents.