Today is my birthday, I turned thirty-five. 35.
Normally I’m all whatever! it’s a birthday, another year, no biggie! Everyone does it. This year though, this year feels different. Harder. More painful and not just because of two horrible nights sleep.
It feels old.
As I groggily shuffled into the kitchen this morning, rubbing my eyes my husband says “Happy Birthday!” I look up through half open eye lids and and give a half smile “you just feel old huh” he says hugging me.
That's it and it’s not.
See for the most part I don’t *feel* 35.
But also, I really *feel* 35. Or rather, 55 as my daughter keeps telling everyone I am (she has trouble with her TH sounds)
See it’s complicated.
On any given day going through the motions of life with top40’s pop or rap blaring from my super cool minivan I feel like the cool young mom.
Then I look in the mirror and I see an old mom staring back.
The extra weight.
I realize I am closer to 40 then 20.
I remember my mom turning 40. It seemed so old from the vantage point of youth. Now as I stand her staring it down, it doesn’t seem that old.
What does it matter anyway? I love my life who cares?
I don’t know why today I care, but today I do.
Tomorrow I won’t remember I’m old, until I look in the mirror. But today, today it stares me in the face every time I log on to facebook, I am old .
But I’m not.
It’s just another day, but it’s not.
I straddle youth and age and I remember, you’re only as long as you feel, and I feel like a nap, so I will have one.
Happy beautiful (seriously it’s in the 80’s, it usually snows) birthday to me.
Linking up with Heather and Shell, not because it's my birthday, but because really this has been on my mind for while, so I decided to Just Write my Heart Out.