Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Again {Just Write}


Again.

The word I never wanted to type again.

The story I never wanted to have to tell.

Last Thursday I miscarried, again. A second baby lost. Thursday afternoon April 29 there was a flicker of a heartbeat on an ultrasound. By Friday morning the intense pain and amount of blood and tissue made it clear there was no more.

It was a busy week with school stuff every night, ending in a wedding and then Listen to Your Mother. I feel like know I am just finally coming up for air, am just now having the time to process it all.

I’m angry.

Wasn’t once enough? Wasn’t a second trimester lost after I had seen and felt the baby enough pain? I can’t comprehend the flicker on the screen one minute and then the flushing of the toilet a few hours later.

I was eight and a half weeks. Only a small handful of people knew, not even family yet. I want to keep it all to myself, pretend it didn’t happen and let the pain be my secret.

At the same time though I want to scream it at everyone I meet. Give me a break I’m shedding the cells of my dead baby! I would think in my head as people gave me the once over with my frazzled hair and sweatpants. Or as I apologized for something not getting done.

This was not the story I wanted to tell.

This was not the path I wanted to walk.

I feel like Jonah, yelling and pleading, But I don’t want to go to Nineveh! I went into my follow up appointment and ultrasound expecting a miracle. Hoping beyond hope that my doctor was wrong. Maybe it was a twin, maybe it was just some freak bleeding and we would see that little flicker.

That was not the path I was chosen to walk.

Despite my pleading and screaming that I did not want to go to Nineveh, God has decided this painful path is mine to walk.

So I type these words and I tell you my story because I grasp to find reason. I cling to the hope that there is a greater purpose and that my lost babies are leading me there.

In the meantime I cry, I scream, I mourn, and go through the everyday wondering how we got to this place and if we can ever go back to where we came.





33 comments:

Melisa Wells said...

There are really no words. I'm so sorry.

Brandie said...

Oh Melissa. I'm so very sorry. Sending many prayers your way. ((hugs))

By Word of Mouth Musings said...

Oh my heart breaks for you. This place, i too know it all to well. Not something one wants to be able to share ... not wanting to say i know how it feels.
But know i am here, wish i was closer to hug and to rant and to let you scream ...
Be kind to you, allow the grieving, allow the pain to wash over.
So very sorry, so very wrong :(

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

Oh Melissa, I am so very very sorry for your loss.

kristen [rage against the minivan] said...

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. How devastating.

@chambanalaura said...

I am so sorry for your loss and this pain -- oh, the pain. You will be in my thoughts.

Hyacynth said...

Oh, love, I hear you. I know. I'm listening.

Karen said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry~

Amber Page Writes said...

I am so very sorry. So sorry.

Jen said...

Melissa, I know. I screamed and cried too "why me, why now and why again and again" I wish I knew.

I just keep laying it before Him...even 2 and 4 and 5 years later...

Much love to you!
Jen

"Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed"

~Unredeemed by Selah

Lucy The Valiant said...

Oh, I am so very sorry. Hugs and love and prayers and hugs darling.

anymommy said...

I am so very sorry. I've been there, I can feel the screams in my bones. So much love sent out to you from here.

Stacey said...

Sending you so much love and strength.

Stephanie said...

Oh Melissa...my heart aches for you. I am just so, so sorry. I hate that you are hurting so much...and all over again too. I'm praying for you today.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I am so, so sorry, Melissa... My heart aches for you.

Adrienne said...

Thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm one who thinks the brave choice is letting it out - I hope you can feel our love and support and know that you aren't alone. Though words seem so useless at times like these, know you are heard and cared for!

Vanessa @FrenchFoodieMom said...

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot believe you were dealing with all of this on stage, reading your incredible piece with Hyacinth. I've lost as many pregnancies as I have children. I may have trouble keeping track of my 4 children's doctor's appointments, but whenever the due date of any of those children that didn't get a chance to be born comes around, I remember and I mourn their lives that weren't. I wish I'd known on Sunday to give you a hug and tell you that I understand. It will get easier but this doesn't diminish your loss, your pain, your sadness today. Thank you for sharing your story and your loss. Keep writing about it ... the pain of miscarriage is so hard and too many of us suffer in silence.

TKW said...

I can't think of anything I can say to comfort you, but I am sorry, and you are in my thoughts.

Liz P said...

I'm so sorry! I pray you find peace in the arms of God while you're going through this!

Megryansmom said...

I am so sorry!

LceeL said...

There's a whole bunch of real, physical, "you were just with us last Sunday" people out here who would be more than happy to give you a great, big HUG - if that would help. I am one of them.

Alana said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Kim/reluctant renovator said...

Oh Melissa! I am so sorry for your loss. What a roller coaster these past few days must have been for you. Wishing you peace and time and space to process all of this. {hugs}

alita jewel said...

You know I love and pray for you, darling.

xoxo!!!

Laura said...

reading your words makes my heart so sad because i get it. it sucks to lose someone (or in my case, an idea of someone) who you were already attached to on so many levels. i hate this for you. who knows the ways of God? life would be a lot easier if we had a "sky" view of our life paths, but alas. lots of hugs and shared tears. i believe you will make it through this...again. you have a lot of support.

Alma said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Liz@thisfullhouse said...

{{{hugs}}}

Alicia said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. {hugs}

The Diaper Diaries said...

I am so sorry.

melanie said...

i am so, so sorry for your loss. i hate the questions and unknowns that go with this kind of loss. i am praying God's comfort for you...

Corrina said...

I am so sorry. May God's peace and comfort envelope you.

Michelle said...

Oh, Melissa. There are no words. None at all. I am so sorry for your loss and your heartache. Peace to you, if not now then soon.

Skywaitress said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've recently had my first miscarriage and have been trying to cope with it. In an effort to help someone directed me to your post.

So I wanted to say thank you for writing. I know it isn't always easy to share about. But you should know that it made me feel less alone. And for that I am very grateful.

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