Monday, September 17, 2012

It's Not You, It's ME {Protecting my Mental Health}

As I've matured and accepted my anxiety and post partum depression I've learned somethings that I need to do to protect my own mental health. Self care, sleep, cutting out emotional vampires, and also putting myself first.

It's not easy, it seems incredibly selfish as a mother to take time away form kids, family, home, for self. I've learned that it's far less selfish then being a snappy, irritated, or distant mom because mentally I am somewhere else.

What people who don't suffer form mental illness don't understand is that triggers don't always make sense. Things that to others would seem happy and exciting occasions can cause deep anxiety and stir up demons. For example, after multiple miscarriages pregnancy is both exciting and debilitatingly scary. I want to simultaneously shout it from the rooftops and hide it until the delivery. Which means inevitably I will hurt someone's feelings when we do decide to announce.

We announced to the kids and grandparents last weekend. That act alone was emotionally exhausting for me. So while I did personally tell a few close friends, almost everyone, including family, sisters, close friends, found out on Facebook. Most of our local friends and school community found out from my daughter. 

I know feelings were hurt. 

I'm sorry, and I'm not. I'm sorry your hurt, and feel slighted. I'm not sorry I protected myself. Unless you are in my shoes you can't understand the
it's paralyzing. 

I have to contain the demon of anxiety in whatever ways I can. 

For me. 
For my kids. 
For my family. 

So it's not you. You're special and important and deserving of our own personal call or message. It's me. I'm selfish and I need to be. 


PBFin (as in the end, final) is due in March 2013. We're not finding out gender. So far everyone is healthy but prayers are always appreciated. 


Unknown said...

Seriously! That is the last thing you need. Try and shake it off. It's sad that people can be so insensitive. It's your news to share however you please. I'm always thrilled to hear of anyone's pregnancy no matter how the news is announced.

Stephanie said...

Oh SHOULD protect yourself! It's your news to share so however you feel safe and comfortable sharing it is exactly right for YOU. I was excited to see your post on Instagram because I know your story and what you've been I know how much more precious that announcement is for you. And I am THRILLED at the news. And, of course, I'm praying for this littlest one...and for your momma's heart too. ((hugs)) and much love!

Anonymous said...

Congrats, melissa! Self-care is essential!!

This Heavenly Life said...

No hurt feelings here! Only happiness :) I hope you're feeling wonderful, both emotionally and physically. Hooray!

Alita said...

Prayers and love! :)


Jen said...

Still just giddy excited for you!

Big hugs...praying for you and your sweet baby.

I understand the fear, anxiety and worry...I know how paralyzing it can be.

Much love