As I've matured and accepted my anxiety and post partum depression I've learned somethings that I need to do to protect my own mental health. Self care, sleep, cutting out emotional vampires, and also putting myself first.
It's not easy, it seems incredibly selfish as a mother to take time away form kids, family, home, for self. I've learned that it's far less selfish then being a snappy, irritated, or distant mom because mentally I am somewhere else.
What people who don't suffer form mental illness don't understand is that triggers don't always make sense. Things that to others would seem happy and exciting occasions can cause deep anxiety and stir up demons. For example, after multiple miscarriages pregnancy is both exciting and debilitatingly scary. I want to simultaneously shout it from the rooftops and hide it until the delivery. Which means inevitably I will hurt someone's feelings when we do decide to announce.
We announced to the kids and grandparents last weekend. That act alone was emotionally exhausting for me. So while I did personally tell a few close friends, almost everyone, including family, sisters, close friends, found out on Facebook. Most of our local friends and school community found out from my daughter.
I know feelings were hurt.
I'm sorry, and I'm not. I'm sorry your hurt, and feel slighted. I'm not sorry I protected myself. Unless you are in my shoes you can't understand the
I have to contain the demon of anxiety in whatever ways I can.
For my kids.
For my family.
So it's not you. You're special and important and deserving of our own personal call or message. It's me. I'm selfish and I need to be.
PBFin (as in the end, final) is due in March 2013. We're not finding out gender. So far everyone is healthy but prayers are always appreciated.