Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Odd Pathways of the Brain #justwrite

I’m sitting in the never ending suburban traffic for what feels like the 10th hour of this insanely busy day in an insanely busy week of what appears to be an insanely busy life. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to not look at my phone while in the car, safety!, which is hard when you are forever just sitting, sitting, sitting. So while I was sitting, and sitting some more my mind starts to wander and narrate life and write stories in my head, today…

I was thinking about dinner, if I would get a salad or burger at Culver's because we had a meeting late at school with all the kids and I was not going to try to cook dinner while we were all starving.

Starving, yep i would be starving by dinner and you can’t eat a salad while driving so burger it was and have I eaten today? Oh habits...old habits dies hard.

I’m thinking back to high school and college and not eating regularly to control my weight and how you never really get over anorexia because you can so easily fall into those bad habits again, like today. Under stress and did I mention busy? I ate breakfast but that’s right I shared cheese, crackers and fruit with the toddler and then had a cupcake and coffee...oh coffee.

Coffee and nicotine. That was the supplement in college, you could easily get past hunger and tired with a hot cup of coffee and a cigarette. Sitting in the car I’m suddenly there on the steps of the old science building coffee in hand warm under cold fingers. I can feel the cigarette in my hand, taste it on my lips, smell it in the brisk air.

Just like that it’s there, the feeling of having one. That first tingle of the nicotine hitting your blood. It’s been a long time, over 8 years since I’ve even had a puff but isn’t it strange how the brain works. The pathways of addiction and mental illness carved so deep, rooted so firmly into the grey matter it doesn’t matter, in an instance you can be back there.

On the steps.

Inhaling deep.

Falling back into darkness.

The light {finally} changes and we move forward. Just a soccer mom driving a minivan, kids in back on her way to PTO. A different pathway taken, different roots to take hold.

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